“Don’t forget me, I begged..I remember you said, sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead”..
Oh Adele. How can you tell me how I’m feeling??
It’s been tough lately..My decision to break up with my soul mate and partner of three years last New Years Eve has come back to haunt me big time…
There were lots of issues in the relationship and instead of communicating my disappointments and wishes, I kept quiet, shut down, hid it all inside until one day it all came crashing down.
I couldn’t be alone, and quickly seemingly moved on, settled down with an old friend, moved across the ocean from London to Miami for him, and we got serious.
But inside I’m crying. I miss my ex so fucking much it hurts my heart and soul and I stay up crying.
It was Christmas today and I was at my in-laws, crying alone in a room most of the day while they thought I was sleeping. I was so fucking sad and hurt and angry at myself for my inabilities to fucking live like a normal person!
How did I think moving abroad would mean none of my issues would follow??
I am with a very sweet, caring family-oriented guy who got us a dog and cooks for me and wants us to buy a house and have kids together, but all I can think of is my former life in London..
To top it all off, I got a Facebook friend request from my ex-girlfriend..I had loved her too..Not as much as the guy after her..But since I’m fairly fucked up, I had kissed her when I was already with him, and didn’t tell him until he found out over a year later ..
I always want what I can’t have. When I dated this girl, B, I despised her for not being “manly” enough; I’d decided to be with a woman, but I really actually wanted someone tougher than me to take care of me.
Then i met L, this guy from London whose upbringing in the inner-city was different from mine, but we connected on a soul level and I dropped my gay lifestyle for him…Until I drunkenly kissed an ex because I suddenly realized being with a man meant my whole life would change!
I was with L for three years…The relationship was codependent as I keep saying, he was intensely jealous, and I caused a lot of his jealousy because I wasn’t as committed as he was.
I loved how he was always there for me though. His entire life revolved around mine, and I felt so safe!
He healed me, sexually, a lot. His penis was the first one I liked sucking and touching (never could deal with it prior to him). He made me love myself. L was the reason why I stopped counting calories every single day, he loved me for me, he cared about me, he adored me.
I just could not deal with the fact that he didn’t wanna go to school, he wasn’t interested in bettering himself in any kind of way. I come from a family where my mother put a huge emphasis on education, and at the back of my mind I always thought I could never tell my mother about L because she would look down on him.
I do not know why I care about what my mother thinks considering I also kind of hate her. It’s very fucked up, our relationship.
It all boiled over a year ago. But even after the breakup we kept seeing each other. He was there when I got my nipple pierced, he listened to me when I was in Finland visiting in February when my aunt had died and another friend went into psychosis and I didn’t know what to do.
L is a very good man. L is intelligent, caring, interesting, loving, has a beautiful soul and mind and I wish him all the fucking best this world has to offer!!!
If you are ever reading my words here….L, I am so sorry for everything and I will always love you. ALWAYS. I wish I had been able to communicate my thoughts instead of letting it all pile up…I am so sorry. I know there were things you did wrong which pushed me the fuck away, but I made mistakes too.
I would want closure. I will never see him again, and it does hurt so fucking much. I had no idea how little I had moved on when I agreed to date M, the man I’m with now. He loves me dearly, but I cannot let go of the beautiful memories I have of L.
One of the last emails that I received from him, he said, something like: It hurts to know that I will never get to tough your soft skin again.
Well, it hurts me so bad I will never get to travel to Africa with you again. Touch crocodiles in the Gambia. Hike up mountains in Uganda. Watch silly movies on my bed in North London. Kiss your beautiful soft lips and watch you watch me.
It kills me to know you hate me. It kills me that I have made these decisions based on momentary ideas instead of being focused.
I always thought that if I lived somewhere hot, preferably in the US, dated a man who drove a nice car and bought me flowers, had a dog and could go to the beach on the regular I’d be happy…
Now I have allllllll of that and I am miserable!!! I want to love M but I…can’t. I am too hung up on the past…
I blame my mother. The classist and posh ideas she planted in my head stopped me from settling down with the love of my life.
I can’t stop crying. M got me nothing for Christmas, and the whole day I have been thinking of last year that I spent with L’s family, opening all these presents. He got me an amazing espresso machine, Victoria’s Secret hoodie and pants, cosmetic products, a necklace, ….for my birthday a month before he got me this very iPad I’m now writing on….
I miss you so fucking much L and I am so so so so sorry for everything.
Grass is greener on the other side, but boy, if I could change the hands of time, I would fucking go to therapy and make an effort there and try to preserve and enjoy the life I had in London…..