I really do.
When I was a child, my mother placed unrealistic expectations on the holidays, everything had to be perfect. Of course it never was, and my mother was anxious and crushed and hurt.
I grew up feeling that a lot of things had rigid rules which governed the set of events, and one small alteration to plans meant everything was ruined.
I felt a lot of anxiety growing up, and even today, all these fucking miles away, I feel like Christmas should be a certain way – my way as that is the only Right Way – otherwise, it’s ruined.
And that’s why I hate Christmas. Because I am so anxious that when things do go wrong – they always do – I get irritated and frustrated and hurt and angry and pissed the fuck off.
This year I have the added pressure of missing my old life – smelling The Body Shop Gingerbread shower gel got me crying my heart out as I last used it last year with my ex -, being in a new relationship, surrounded by new people, in a new country that’s fucking far away from “home”.
I cannot deal. We went to the mall today and I was so pissy and pissed off my hubby could not deal with me!
I hate this shit, and at the same time, I fucking wish things were “perfect” – that I had a family to be with, that we all got along, that we loved each other and could spend the holidays together…
Instead of a functioning family, I have a bunch of shitheads in my life, so I escaped and for the past ten years I have not done Christmas the traditional Finnish rigid way..
And now I’m in fucking Florida where it’s 70 something in the sun, no Christmas feeling whatsoever, so I just wanna give up.
I should. Christmas is shit, and I could just decide not to do jack shit.
I do wanna go to church on Christmas Eve, but since for me, the 24th IS Christmas, whatever the fuck happens on the 25th is meaningless..
Life really can suck for us who come from broken families. That idyll of a family life portrayed in ads and movies is unheard of, and I for one am just tired of wishing it was real…
Christmas and the surrounding superficial hype can suck my dick – I just wish I could sleep through it and wake up in 2014…..
Sorry. For the pissy post. Im just pissed off. Night. LGITR.