Sex with Someone who was Sexually abused

I keep writing about this topic every now and then, maybe because I struggle so much with it, and maybe also because if by any chance someone who is in a relationship with a survivor sees this blog, maybe they can learn something that they’ve never asked their significant other, and that it could help how they relate to them..

If you’ve been sexually abused, assaulted, molested, raped, touched inappropriately…chances are, it had such a profound impact on you, one that you might not even realize it, or you refuse to realize it.

You may go through life pretending the horrendous things didn’t happen, or you think about it so much that it has paralyzed you and you cannot live a “normal” life.

If a survivor does get into an intimate relationship (a lot of us jump from a meaningless thing to another, act promiscuously, refuse to let anyone in) it can be really tough to engage in an intimate manner with someone.

If your blueprint for sexual relations was that of being a victim, only existing to fulfil someone else’s desires, or being in pain when in a sexual situation because you were being abused, it can be so difficult to even begin to know what a normal sexual relationship should be like.

As for me, I have always lied, pretended, gone numb, endured and enjoyed the pain in a self-harming way, and smiled through sexual situations. I don’t think I’ve ever really wholeheartedly been “myself”, relaxed, enjoyed it. I’m self-conscious, in pain, felt subdued and like I should do whatever it takes to please the other person, especially if I was in a relationship with them and it wasn’t just a meaningless encounter.

In fact, I have recognized a pattern: When I met a guy who I wasn’t in a relationship with, it felt like a game; I would avoid intercourse to great lengths because if I had given it up, I would have lost the game, but if I got them to please me, I’d win, so the whole “relationship” or encounter was a big Game or pull and push in my mind.

But the few times that I have committed to a relationship, it has been just the exact opposite. I don’t enjoy it when the guy tries to please me, and instead, I go to great lengths to please him. I obsess about sex! I calculate my worth and their admiration towards me based on how much they want to sleep with me, so I try get them to do it all the time, and if they don’t want it, I feel worthless.

I don’t even feel turned on, but I want them to get turned on, so I try and try, and if I do get them to sleep with me, it feels like a victory, but then during and afterwards I feel used and abused, and often cry afterwards.

This makes absolutely no sense! I feel like my craziness around sex and intimacy has ruined every meaningful relationship I have been in!

So what can I do? And what can the people who are in relationships with survivors do? It’s not like a survivor really is going to be honest about how they’re feeling – the times a guy has asked me, are you okay, and I smile and pretend I’m loving it when inside I’m crying, are uncountable!

I think the only piece of advice I can give anyone else is to tell your survivor partner that no matter what they feel or think, you’d like to hear it, and that you’d be there for them no matter what. And then no matter what they say or tell you, you have to be supportive! No backing out now…..Sorry. I wish this is how a guy would have reacted to me, but unfortunately I haven’t been open and honest and requested them to act this way towards me so they have no way of telling how I feel!

I do feel like I want therapy…Still..I am now in a committed healthy adult relationship (finally….for the first time in my life!) and I do want to make it work, but unfortunately I am hiding so much that it feels insurmountable to even begin to disclose all this messiness from my soul and mind…

Anyway…Going to a doctor’s appointment…Will ask how to find therapy…And hopefully be able to at least be honest to a doctor…Will tell you all how it went!

xxxxxx

 

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