It’s My Birthday

It’s my birthday today. I turn 30!

I feel really shit. I am home alone, really feel like cutting because the urge is real and pressing, and the only thing holding me back is that I live in Miami and have to wear t-shirts and I can’t think of anywhere where my SO wouldn’t notice.

Not that I really care. I miss my ex-boyfriend so much! He was always so thoughtful on my birthday, got me wonderful gifts and flowers and took me out to eat and treated me like a princess, whereas now, with my new man, well. He isn’t the romantic kind. No breakfast in bed, and actually he just left to go to a store to do Black Friday shopping!

So I’m home alone on my thirtieth birthday, I am really depressed and down, I feel so alone. Again I feel like I made a huge mistake dropping everything and moving here for one person who might not even be The One.

My ex had issues and we had a terrible codependent relationship, but he was so good to me too! He loved me so much and always gave the best gifts and showered me with adoration and I fucking miss that!!!

I just have to move on. Physically I have moved on, but emotions and feelings linger…on days like these when I already feel shit and want to kill myself, the yearning for someone to care is humongous.

Birthdays are always really hard for me. I never had a good one. I never have had surprise parties or perfect days, there’s always been drama and shit times.

I retreat to my childhood in my mind and feel like a lonely little girl that just wants the whole world to love me, and it never goes like that.

I just wanna cry and listen to sad songs and cut my arms and wallow in self pity.

Think I might just go do that. It is my day, my right to feel however I feel, and do whatever I want to do!!!

Xx

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4 thoughts on “It’s My Birthday

  1. *hugs you tight* Happy Birthday, my friend. You are closer to me than you were but it’s still a few day drive to Miami so I can’t take you for a nice dinner, but I would, were I able.

    Tell the new man how you’re feeling, if you think he’ll understand. It never worked well for me and D because the moment he feels guilt he gets angry…not a good thing for pstd. :S

    Much love. I’m sorry your’re hurting. I miss my ex often too. There was something so comforting about knowing he would always be there if he could be. xoxox

    • Thank you so much for your kind words! Your words always comfort me when I feel down, you have this magical ability to choose the right things to say, it really is a gift! Thank you for the birthday wishes, it means a lot to me! I know we would have gone out for dinner, hey, maybe one day we will!?

      • Wouldn’t that be fun?? I’d love to have a dinner with you…who knows where things will go in the next few years!

        I’m really pleased to be able to help you by sharing my thoughts! Your blog (and email) do the same for me 🙂 I think we share a lot of symptoms/thought patterns so we speak the same language, emotionally speaking. I’ve felt I could relate to you from the first post of yours I ever read.

        I hope things turned out okay on your birthday. I’m going to send you an email later. xx

      • Aww it’s so nice to hear you can relate, I often feel alone with my thoughts and emotions, so to know others feel similar things helps me know I’m not crazy! Yes, let’s connect over email soon!

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