It’s my birthday today. I turn 30!
I feel really shit. I am home alone, really feel like cutting because the urge is real and pressing, and the only thing holding me back is that I live in Miami and have to wear t-shirts and I can’t think of anywhere where my SO wouldn’t notice.
Not that I really care. I miss my ex-boyfriend so much! He was always so thoughtful on my birthday, got me wonderful gifts and flowers and took me out to eat and treated me like a princess, whereas now, with my new man, well. He isn’t the romantic kind. No breakfast in bed, and actually he just left to go to a store to do Black Friday shopping!
So I’m home alone on my thirtieth birthday, I am really depressed and down, I feel so alone. Again I feel like I made a huge mistake dropping everything and moving here for one person who might not even be The One.
My ex had issues and we had a terrible codependent relationship, but he was so good to me too! He loved me so much and always gave the best gifts and showered me with adoration and I fucking miss that!!!
I just have to move on. Physically I have moved on, but emotions and feelings linger…on days like these when I already feel shit and want to kill myself, the yearning for someone to care is humongous.
Birthdays are always really hard for me. I never had a good one. I never have had surprise parties or perfect days, there’s always been drama and shit times.
I retreat to my childhood in my mind and feel like a lonely little girl that just wants the whole world to love me, and it never goes like that.
I just wanna cry and listen to sad songs and cut my arms and wallow in self pity.
Think I might just go do that. It is my day, my right to feel however I feel, and do whatever I want to do!!!