I really love my dog

As a vegetarian animal lover I have been upset for years about not being able to have pets as I lived in apartments in London that didn’t allow any pets.

After moving to Miami I got really desperate and my significant other and I finally got a dog (well, he got him for me..).

This little being is the most loving, amazing thing on the planet and the love I have for him is almost painful – I have not known this kind of love since I lost my pony when I was 14 (he got sick and was put down, and I still cry after all these years when I think about him)

Animals have this amazing ability to love you unconditionally no matter what age, size, gender or ethnicity you are; they comfort you, want to spend time with you, they trust you and need you for nurture.

As a survivor of abuse that happened within the family I have not known real love from humans. I grew up in a “loving” family where my father sexually abused me, physically abused my mother and brother, and my mom – who knew about my abuse – turned a blind eye and for one reason or another, tried to love me and raise me but I still hold a lot of anger in my soul towards her.

I have been loved by friends, by lovers, by people around me (or so they say. I don’t know what love is) but it doesn’t feel the same as the love you can feel emanating from a dog – dogs and horses (and cats too I guess) don’t judge, they don’t stop loving you, they don’t place conditions on their love towards you.

My little dog is so precious and so important to me – today he was in an accident where someone ran over him with a bicycle, and I cried and actually had an anxiety attack because I was so hysterical since I thought he was really hurt. The vet who treated him said he’d be okay – mainly muscle injuries and bloodshot eyes from torn vessels in the eyes – and I thanked God for making this little being so tough that he could come out of it with so little wrong with him!

I can’t stand suffering. I don’t know why I’m so sensitive, but it literally kills me to think about animals dying (hence the vegetarianism. I cannot handle the thought of tortured pigs and cows), and I’m really sensitive to children’s pain too.

My biggest wish would be to turn the whole world vegetarian and stop child and animal abuse, and then I could die knowing my life somehow was worth it.

My pony – whom we bought from a neighbor when I was growing up in rural Finland – was my life too. I was bullied at school at the time, and I lived for the moment when I could get home and see his beautiful face, jump on his back, and forget about the world and the pain humans caused me, and just live in the moment with this large gracious animal.

He had the most beautiful soul and he loved me. 

I had a tattoo done a few years ago to always have a piece of him with me – his name was Alfi, and my tattoo says Always Loved Feeling Indestructible. Yup, that was my boy, all bravado and large ego, running around on his short pony legs trying to rule the world around him. But really he was a peaceful creature, powerful yet tame, loving to the last breath.

I will never let go of the pain of losing him – I feel like I betrayed him but I know I didn’t. We’d gotten him when he was already sick (although we didn’t know it then and hence didn’t get him treated) with chronic laminitis, and one day he couldn’t even get up and that’s when we found out he’d slowly been getting worse and there was nothing that could be done.

I will never forget the last time I saw him – he was grazing outside and I thought he was better, and could not believe they were going to put him down, and I remember trying to talk to him but he kept limping away. I hated the world for taking my beautiful friend away from me (although at least he’d never be in pain again), I stopped horse riding, couldn’t bear to talk about horses for years to come, and sank into depression.

It’s unfortunate that we take animals and our dominion over them for granted – a dog will love whomever its owner is and doesn’t choose the human, but it is our utmost responsibility to treat them all with respect, dignity, and love.

I as a human must recognize that this little man a pack animal who has his natural needs, so it has taken some time to learn to “read dog”, but the results have been amazing, and the relationship we have developed is so pure and full of trust.

I am still sad for a lot of things that have happened to me in my life, but my dog is helping to heal the wounds in my heart with one soft lick at a time…

Have a blessed evening!



5 thoughts on “I really love my dog

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