Yeah, it is always on my mind that I want to jot down about this thought or that feeling, but hardly ever manage to actually do so, so I forget what I’ve even written about lately!
I think I have mentioned that everything changed for me. I left London to move to the US, and I’ve now been here for about three months. (time flies!!)
At first I missed all my friends and the routines of my former life; I moved here for a guy so I literally did not know any other people than him, and have had to rely on him a lot. Well, not really, I hide my true feelings and cry in the dark if I have to, but I don’t really open up to him much.
I should, but then again, in the beginning of our relationship I compared him to my ex a LOT, and you can’t really tell that to a person? My ex was 100% about me, everything was about me and what I wanted and needed, so I’m used to that in a relationship, whereas my new significant other – let’s call him…hmm what should I call him?..Mike – Right, Mike, has his own life, his own needs, he has fitted me into his life well but he still does what he wants.
It irritates me. More than it should. I really am a very easily irritable person and I like to get things to go my way, and so I sulk and shut up and cry in the dark if he doesn’t do what I want him to do.
Most people take some time after their significant relationship ends to heal and life life as a single person, but not me. I jumped into this new thing pretty soon after – the whole spring was a bit weird as I had already broken up with L, but we spend a LOT of time together – I needed him, he needed me, we needed each other. In my heart I felt it wasn’t right anymore at all, but he was the only person in the whole world who loved me for me.
And then the realization that we broke up for a reason came to me stronger and stronger, and eventually I stopped all contact. And then having been close with a friend for a while, I got even closer, and I realized he was the kind of person I could see myself being with for the rest of my life!
Supportive, but not clingy. Mature. He’d need me, but not co-dependent. Caring, but not too involved. Generous, but not trying to buy my love and attention.
He is a functioning adult with his own small issues, but in general he is the most mature and “normal” person I have ever been with. And this scares the shit out of me!
I am used to co-dependency, arguments, having to hide and lie about things for someone to accept me, needing drama, all these other things that come naturally to survivors of abuse especially with my borderline personality trait.
It is SCARY to be with someone “normal”. Fucking scary.
I often feel like I don’t deserve it. Fucked up, I know, but I don’t.
I also try to minimise my partner and come up with one or another reason why he isn’t the one or why I shouldn’t be with him for the rest of my life; mainly to do with, “oh my ex was better at this or that so this guy can’t be right”.
It is also hard to accept happiness. So hard.
I’m not sure if I am happy, maybe I’m still overwhelmed by all the changes. This guy literally picked me up from my pitiful hateful existence in London and accepted me into his Miami life – he pays the bills, tells me to get rest, worries for me and cares about me. Got me a puppy, cooks veggie food for me, and asks if I need money.
He is like an angel that I had known (we were platonic friends for over 3 years!) but had never appreciated in that capacity.
So as I spoke with my former therapist the other day, it feels surreal but good in so many ways. I do miss the UK like crazy, all the time, but as I settle in more and more, I become hopeful that I will make friends, find a career here somehow some way, and learn to live a completely new life with my significant other and our cute little dog!
Have a blessed day and night and I hope you all are also moving up and moving on in life xxx