Every time I have sex I feel abused

This just sums it up. I have to be honest here, about my feelings, and as sad as it is, I fear nothing will ever change….

I had it with casual encounters in my youth, with my long-term ex-boyfriend, and now with my new partner. It’s just, some things during the intimate encounters make me feel like I am being taken advantage of, used, and even abused.

It happens especially if the guy gets satisfaction from it. So many times I start crying in the dark, or go take a shower and keep crying because I feel violated, dirty, used just for someone else’s pleasure.

My ex was really good actually in the sense that he knew about all this and would do his best to make me enjoy it – he went beyond and above what a normal guy would in an intimate situation and while I surely did not appreciate it then, I now miss it so much because he made me feel special, looked after, and loved. Sometimes I still felt used because that’s just how my brain operates, and I would initiate sex to fulfil other needs or to shut him up, and then I’d always cry because sex didn’t satisfy any of my needs yet it just made me feel empty inside.

I was with women because they never make me feel this way. Women cannot take advantage of me, women can’t hurt me, women are equal to me and can never have the upper hand.

I don’t know why I “turned straight”. Maybe I always was straight but got into women because of my issues with men? Or maybe I just happened to fall for this guy, L, my ex-boyfriend.

He was amazing in so many ways! I wish things had worked out with him, I really do. He loved me and cared about me SO much! I just always knew his dreams were not mine, he was happy having a part-time retail job whereas I value education, career, ambition and possible monetary rewards. We had nothing in common in that sense!

My current Significant Other, we have similar educational and work backgrounds, we were friends first, so we should work out right? I left my friends, my life in London, everything, to move to the US.

Maybe it was my Borderline talking, the whole sudden move and unplanned change in my life? I have been known to be very impulsive, reckless and irrational, and this change would fit that. I was unhappy with my ex, unhappy with my job, unhappy to a large extent with my life in London, so I saw a possibility for change and took it.

Anyway, so, sex. I don’t wanna have it ever again! I owe myself more than sit on the bottom of a bathtub at midnight, crying my eyes out because I feel abused. I hate sex, I want to say. I guess it could be good, but for me, unfortunately I think the whole thing has been ruined and I’ll never probably like it like normal people do. Too many issues.

I’m tired of feeling numb, like, “oh fuck I hope he comes soon so this can be over!” I fake it. Pretend. The whole damn time!

Does anyone else have problems with sex? Especially if you’re a survivor of childhood sexual abuse? I’d love to hear how you healed!

x

 

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Every time I have sex I feel abused

  1. Oh sweetheart. Many thanks for the honesty of this post. I have had troubles with sex too, due to childhood sexual abuse. I wrote about it last year on my blog. You can check it out here… supportive and loving. http://emancipatingsexuality.com/category/sexual-abuse-2/ Also, check out “Healing Sex” by Staci Haines. She made a book and a movie, both are excellent and can help heal the trauma. And, just sayin, I totally hear you that you never want to have sex again. Much love and support.

    • Hi!

      Thank you for your supportive comment! It is liberating to know others have been there too…quickly looked at your website, your work is amazing! I didn’t even know such work existed…thank you again for coming by and for the encouragement, it means a lot to me! Xxx

  2. I can tell you are a very strong person!! How many women could actually be honest with themselves about how they feel when it comes to sex? I, too, was sexually abused for many years growing up, and it did change me. The fact that you are looking for an honest answer to your dilemma tells me you must be one hell of a woman!! There are times I don’t want it, and even hate it. The more a man takes advantage of a woman, the more soul she loses because of it. Women have such strong desires to be treated right, in love and companionship. I still struggle with these things, and it’s hard!! Society just doesn’t understand that we can never be “normal citizens”. We are quite the opposite: Brave, Strong, Fearless, Warriors, Advocates, Volunteers, and sisters through a world many would die from upon entering. Stay strong, buy a Jeep Wrangler, and enjoy what God has given you!! Always here if you need a friend!! (I’m kinda in the same boat!! LOL)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s