This just sums it up. I have to be honest here, about my feelings, and as sad as it is, I fear nothing will ever change….
I had it with casual encounters in my youth, with my long-term ex-boyfriend, and now with my new partner. It’s just, some things during the intimate encounters make me feel like I am being taken advantage of, used, and even abused.
It happens especially if the guy gets satisfaction from it. So many times I start crying in the dark, or go take a shower and keep crying because I feel violated, dirty, used just for someone else’s pleasure.
My ex was really good actually in the sense that he knew about all this and would do his best to make me enjoy it – he went beyond and above what a normal guy would in an intimate situation and while I surely did not appreciate it then, I now miss it so much because he made me feel special, looked after, and loved. Sometimes I still felt used because that’s just how my brain operates, and I would initiate sex to fulfil other needs or to shut him up, and then I’d always cry because sex didn’t satisfy any of my needs yet it just made me feel empty inside.
I was with women because they never make me feel this way. Women cannot take advantage of me, women can’t hurt me, women are equal to me and can never have the upper hand.
I don’t know why I “turned straight”. Maybe I always was straight but got into women because of my issues with men? Or maybe I just happened to fall for this guy, L, my ex-boyfriend.
He was amazing in so many ways! I wish things had worked out with him, I really do. He loved me and cared about me SO much! I just always knew his dreams were not mine, he was happy having a part-time retail job whereas I value education, career, ambition and possible monetary rewards. We had nothing in common in that sense!
My current Significant Other, we have similar educational and work backgrounds, we were friends first, so we should work out right? I left my friends, my life in London, everything, to move to the US.
Maybe it was my Borderline talking, the whole sudden move and unplanned change in my life? I have been known to be very impulsive, reckless and irrational, and this change would fit that. I was unhappy with my ex, unhappy with my job, unhappy to a large extent with my life in London, so I saw a possibility for change and took it.
Anyway, so, sex. I don’t wanna have it ever again! I owe myself more than sit on the bottom of a bathtub at midnight, crying my eyes out because I feel abused. I hate sex, I want to say. I guess it could be good, but for me, unfortunately I think the whole thing has been ruined and I’ll never probably like it like normal people do. Too many issues.
I’m tired of feeling numb, like, “oh fuck I hope he comes soon so this can be over!” I fake it. Pretend. The whole damn time!
Does anyone else have problems with sex? Especially if you’re a survivor of childhood sexual abuse? I’d love to hear how you healed!