So many thoughts I don’t know where to start

I finally slept! A little bit. It is so hard to get used to the fact that I in effect have nothing to wake up for…I thought being unemployed in a sunny part of America would mean I’d go outside every day and have fun and enjoy life, but how wrong was I??

What I realized yesterday was that no matter where you are, if you’re not happy in your own self, nothing will make you happy.

Your ghosts and demons will follow you no matter where you go and no matter what you do!

When I was younger and living in this small university town in England, I kept thinking that if only I was somewhere else, more glamorous, I’d be happy.

From my exchange year to small-town America at age 16, right after I started healing from anorexia, I had grown deep bonds with the country and since that had been the first time in my life that I’d been happy, I associated happiness with America.

So all those ten years in the UK that were filled with depression and shit jobs and hard times and crap housing, I kept thinking, if only I was in the US, then I’d be happy.

And now I’m here. And I for damn sure am not happy!

I didn’t really even want to come here in the end. I mean, my friend, who I’m now in a relationship with, didn’t wanna do a long-distance relationship which is fair – he’d done it before and gotten heart-broken after a terrible breakup, so he said we’d only date if we were in the same place. Fine.

I had desperately wanted that place to be London. Despite the depression and the hatred I felt towards living in that city for a while, I had started feeling happy there. I have friends, but most importantly, it feels home because I know how everything works, I feel settled.

I could be blindfolded and get on the Tube and still get to where I need to go. London is an amazing city of cultures, urban living, grimy streets and lots of history. You can walk everywhere! And I love being independent and walking. I’m also a bit of an environmentalist and so I am a recycling freak, take my own carrier bags to stores, walk everywhere, only eat vegetarian food and try buy organic and fair trade when I can.

The look on the grocery baggers face when I toss my own bags at him at a grocery store here :O They’re like, wtf? America is about consumerism, buying, spending, throwing perfectly usable shit away just because. It makes me depressed a little bit.

I have no friends here like I’ve said. I literally left my whole entire life for this guy, and now I’m thinking, was it my BPD talking when I decided to do that crazy stuff? I know I’m hugely impulsive; did my impulsiveness get the best of me this time?

Did I think that if I left my shit job, cold England, terrible housing and homelessness behind, that somehow I’d be happy? That this guy would be the one who would save me? The last one and I lasted for three years, but we argued all the fucking time, and I think when I broke up with him I finally felt FREE. His insecurities had gotten me shackled under lies and pretences for all those years, and finally I was free to be me..

And now I really can be me. How’s that going? I hear you say. Well, not great. I have slipped back in to my old behavior patterns of hiding all my true emotions from my significant other, I smile, pretend, laugh. I cry only when I’m alone. I constantly keep thinking about cutting but I can’t do it because he’d find out – we live in a very warm part of the country and I live in shorts and t-shirts.

I could go home. But I think that would break my SO’s heart. I had promised him I’d never leave!

I can’t even tell him how I really feel. I keep wondering why not, since he is all the time asking if I’m okay, and he’s like no you’re not fine. I just don’t have the courage to say what I really wanna say!

I kind of want to scream. I want to tell him that I have started getting memories of the abuse again, that it fucking hurts my soul to be almost 30 and have to deal with this bullshit, to be insecure and hate myself every single day of my life, that I don’t actually wanna have sex with him because it either hurts or I go numb and nothing really matters and I fake the noises and the enjoyment and just wish it was over!

I want to scream at him because I blame him for my predicament. It’s his fault for making me like him, for making me feel like I should come here and leave everything I’m familiar with, to be with him. What if I don’t find work here?? (when I finally can work – paperwork takes forever and I probably won’t be legally allowed to work for the next six months!!)

I hate him, but I like him too. He keeps saying he loves me, but my emotions are muddled. I don’t know what love is! I am so upset all the time that seeing him is kind of just a chore, he works all day anyway so I’m home alone, like a little stupid housewife with no life of her own.

He knows about the abuse, I can’t remember when I’d told him, but it must have been a few years ago over Skype. We have been friends for about three years – we met through work right after I started working for the company I’d previously worked for, when he was based in one of our European offices, and we clicked, but I had just started dating my Ex and he had a girlfriend, so we remained friends.

I think it’s better that way anyway. We know each other pretty well. I thought we did, at least. I for sure know him, he is a typical guy who is rational, a bit geeky, very caring and funny. He will make an amazing life partner, I already know it. I know he cares about me, wants me to be happy, and loves me. I on the other hand…well, he has no idea who I really am!

I don’t even know who I am. 

I have lived in so many different countries, been absorbed in so many different cultures and traditions and lived such a varied life that I have no clue who I am really.

I don’t remember my childhood still. Every time I go to Finland I try pass by the house where I lived my very first years, and it brings back emotions, but no memories.

It’s very vague for sure. And I think because I don’t have strong roots, everything else that’s been built on top is fragile too.

I could pass for an American, I can pass for a German, Swede, even a Brit out here especially..I look like a generic white girl with a slight tan, regular average body type – not skinny and pretty, not fat fat, just plain average. My hair is highlighted and my eyes are a nondescript blue/grey.

I dunno…I need therapy. I have been faffing around and procrastinating about finding something here – I guess I keep telling myself it’s gonna either be expensive, or a big hassle to organize, so I don’t even get started.

I could leave. But every day I choose to stay. For what? I don’t know. Love? Partnership? The potential that the future holds?

I wish I could talk. Let out how I really feel. We have been trying to adopt a dog from the local shelter for a week now but my SO fucking keeps working til so late that they are always closed by the time he gets home, but I think if we got a dog I could talk to him/her. I really need an animal friend that I can cry with and tell them all my secrets and know they’re safe.

I am exhausted all the fucking time, but I guess when you think about it, this all could just be because the changes are so HUGE.

With this year, I have broken up with a boyfriend of three years, stayed friends for a while, kept going back and forth with emotions towards him and then eventually just knew it was over. I was involved in an eviction court case with my bullying housemates, became homeless, stayed on a friend’s living room floor for three months, quit my job, moved across continents, been to Finland twice and that all comes with its emotional baggage and horrors.

I was in three-times-a-week intensive therapy that then came to an end. It was horrible to finish it! I was so deeply upset about it!

I still miss my ex, but mainly because I feel sorry for him – I was his everything, his pet project to make better and happy and he didn’t succeed and I found a partnership with someone else. We shared our joyful times, he really did heal me in so many ways! He loved me so so so much and I don’t think I appreciated it then as much as I do now. He was hot, cute, sexy, caring…but also intensely jealous, moody, emotionally manipulative, codependent, and had no ambition regarding the future or work.

I feel like that relationship taught me a lot, but also that I did jump into this new one way too soon! It wasn’t planned, it just kind of happened…guess I was lonely, too, and emotional, and wanted attention and love.

But my SO is caring, smart, had a good job, takes care of me, cares about how I feel, we can do things together (he isn’t outdoorsy – yet!), we haven’t argued, we just kind of … settled into this life together and that was that. Compromises, learning about each other…He knows I’m a survivor and that’s a start!

I just don’t want that to define who I am, yet I cannot deny the damage that the abuse did to me. I have to honor my path, my past, my experiences and my needs.

Wow this post ended up being a lot longer than I thought! Ha, well, ain’t got shit else to do than sit here and wait for the Bed Bath and Beyond storage unit delivery….and blog. Let out my thoughts and emotions the only way I know how to! If I can’t talk yet, and least I can write.

Have a beautiful blessed day xx

 

 

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