So I hated everything in London. I had done some therapy, but it ended too early. I had broken up with my ex-boyfriend, I got evicted from my apartment and had been bullied by my housemates, and on top I hated my job.
So I started dating someone with whom I’d been a friend for years after I became single, and let him into my life. And that dating resulted in me moving abroad to the US.
So here I am. And I should be happy! I mean, how many survivors actually have a mature caring and respectful relationship? Especially me, with my BPD and depression and my issues, who would have thought I’d actually live with a man??
But I’m not happy. It is almost 1.30 am, I can’t sleep, most nights I cry myself asleep in the dark not wanting to disturb my partner; I wake up late, I’m stressed out all the time even though I’m now unemployed and living off of his money, and I seem to just have gone a bit nuts.
I get flashbacks and memories to the abuse. Just tonight I was trying to go to sleep and I started crying and closed my eyes and the thoughts started coming in….
I miss my old life. I miss my ex-boyfriend even though the relationship was so wrong on so many levels. We had nothing in common, he had a lot of insecurities, we argued all the time because of the differences in our values, my issues were just too much for me to take…but I still loved him! I still do. I forever will! And that hurts.
For the longest time I didn’t wanna blog about my new relationship because I knew my ex at one point was reading this blog and I didn’t wanna hurt him. But I owe it to myself to use this space as my own space where I can be honest and I have to now start thinking about myself and my needs, so I will just keep on going about my new life.
I miss London. I miss my friends. I miss my former therapist who’d gotten sick like over two years ago and our therapy had come to an abrupt end. We are still in contact, but more in the sense of me helping them out and volunteering for the organization she founded.
I miss the cold weather, the changes in the seasons, the Tube. I miss the shitty parts of my old life; they weren’t nice, but at least everything was predictable!
Now nothing is predictable. Well, I’m here and will stay here and I’m in this relationship for the rest of my life – I guess that is pretty predictable, huh?
I know I’m being loved and cared about and finally feel like I am in a relationship where our values match, we like similar things, have a long history of being friends, we get along and like hanging out, but….the nagging feelings are not going away.
Anyway, I feel like I sound like a stupid complaining spoiled brat right about now.
Stomach is really achy, gonna have to try to de-stress somehow, night xx