I have wanted to post about self harm for a while. I think it’s one of those things that no one really wants to talk about, and people who don’t do it look at it as a call for attention, and people who do it do it for different reasons and no one really knows how to “help” someone who does it.
I started cutting my arms with broken pieces of a mirror when I was..I dunno, 13 maybe? Early anyway. I didn’t know what else to use, but I remember craving pain and blood. It’s kind of thrilling, being in this state of mind of destruction and overwhelming sadness and pain, and needing to get it out.
You never know how deep you cut, but the trickle of blood is fascinating. I generally hate blood, but when it comes out as a result of my own doing, it is beautiful. I like how it stains everything and reminds me of the pain that I feel inside – an overwhelming disgusting thing that stains my body and soul but only is bearable when it stays inside; if it came out people would see who I really was and they’d find me disgusting.
I still do it sometimes. I’m much more mindful – I don’t want people to see. When I was with my ex I did it periodically and then hide my arms until it was fine. I think at one point he demanded to check me for marks but I denied him any access and then realised I’d just have to cut on my legs so he wouldn’t clock it.
My new boyfriend knows I’ve done it. Once I had an accidental cut on my arm and he got really worried about it thinking I’d done it. That’s the thing with cutting, once people know you do it, they are so suspicious and you have to hide things more.
Last night I had a huge urge to cut. When I’m depressed, upset, sad and lonely I need to feel the pain to feel alive. The pain needs to come out! But of course I couldn’t because I live in a hot place with my boyfriend and there is no way I could hide anything…so I stayed with the feelings, I cried, I cuddled the big soft pillow and let the tears run out in the dark and … Finally I guess I got over it.
For the supporters of cutters…I wish I had advice but I’m not sure I do. It’s not like it’s a disease, it’s more a symptom of something else. I don’t think it’s healthy, and I’m sure it can be really upsetting to have a self harmer in your life, the helplessness that comes with it must be hard to handle.
I’d say allowing a cutter to do what they need to do is the best way. They’re not gonna stop because you say so! They will do it and hide it and have less ability to seek help for their problems.
I think once a self harmer has the chance to deal with the pain they feel inside, they will stop cutting. But as long as they feel isolated or alone or unable to process the pain, cutting remains the only way to let the pain out.
That, or obsessive exercising, or eating disorders, or stuff like that. Self punishment in any case.
I ever self harm through sex – I feel strange joy when it hurts but I get to pretend I love it and want more. The pain keeps me alive and with it, otherwise I’d go numb or zone out.
The scars on my arms are not that noticeable, but I’ve had comments. I never know what to say, it’s kind of blatantly obvious I did it, so I in a way wear them with pride. They’re my battle scars from the fights I’ve had with myself.