I didn’t sleep last night. I tend to get these really bad stomach aches in my upper stomach that keep me awake if they come in the evening, and so I had nothing else to do than lie there in the dark all night suffering with the pain.
I sometimes wonder what it is. Probably stress and anxiety. I was really anxious yesterday – like I keep saying, everything has changed in my life very rapidly and I am having a hard time keeping up with the changes.
I left all my friends in London. I quit my job to move abroad where I don’t really know many people. I feel very alone in my thoughts and don’t know who to tell all this to because it is my own choice to have done this.
I wanted to find happiness. And I guess I will be happier here – I always run away when I’m not happy, thinking the grass is greener on the other side…once the newness of this place wears off I’m petrified that I will once again be unhappy!
But it is up to me. It’s up to me if I wanna change the thought patterns and behaviours that I hold on to. Maybe it is me who keeps me from being happy?
I’m unemployed, completely dependent on someone else and it scares me! I had a call with my former therapist who had kindly offered to have a support call with me to have someone to talk to when I don’t yet know anyone here, and I just cried because I miss London and I’d had a horrible time in Finland and a lot of things hooked into my childhood memories.
It was good to talk to her. She is so supportive. I really want to find therapy here! I need to keep talking about things, I want to heal and be happy and give this new relationship a chance to be healthy and normal.
I’m tired of my own bullshit. I’m tired of being a survivor but I guess that’ll never change so I gotta change what I can and what I feel I have energy to change.
Have a beautiful day people!