I am in Finland as you can tell from the headline. It’s been a trip, emotionally, to be here where the abuse happened, where people remind me of the me who was but who isn’t anymore, where I have to constantly be what people expect me to be and hold my breath in a way.
I’m never free here. So much shit and crap happened in this country when I was growing up, and my family dynamics are still messed up and will always be that way, and so I’m not hopeful of any real change in the situation. I used to wish I had a “normal” family and a mom and a dad but hey….it’ll never be. Instead, I just have a lot of pain in my soul where the happiness of family should reside.
I’m trying to stay smiley and positive for their sake. I wear a mask, I am expected to be the strong one. I was the one who was outgoing, good at school, a potential success, out of everyone. So that’s what I must act like.
They don’t know me at all. Here I’m a Success, the one who moved abroad, studied at fancy universities, lives this amazing life in London. And that’s how it shall be.
I cry inside. I smell the smells of my childhood, I walk past buildings that remind me of the life that used to be that isn’t anymore, and I feel like I miss something that never was. I have a niece of 3 and a nephew who is 5, and looking at their childish happiness and excitement for the world makes me sad because I guess that’s how I was before I knew pain and suffering. They make me so sad..
I don’t know what I’m doing in life at all! I just want to sleeeeeep. All day every day. I feel like I’m sinking into depression, but I want to fight it. I have things to look forward to and I try to concentrate on that!
Have a beautiful day,