More thoughts on the meeting I had with my former therapist yesterday….It is kind of weird that we are in contact – the psychoanalytic therapy I did after her was really strict and the therapist wouldn’t even walk me out of the building or anything, connection was strictly limited to the therapy room, whereas with this Lady that I used to see a few years ago, we can still be in contact, and the fact that she invited me to come say goodbye and dedicated time in a therapy treatment room for us to sit down meant SO much to me!
It made me feel like she cared. She does care! I know she does, and the fact that I was a patient and she knows my darkest and deepest secrets and pain doesn’t matter, we can chit chat about other stuff too. Yet we’re never going to be friends as such – she is my former therapist after all, and a motherly figure at that also.
She said she thinks I’m strong. She also said that she thinks I have helped other people – I used to go to a support group that she mediated, and she said that my demeanour would allow the other women be honest also, and I rolled my eyes because I don’t believe that to be true…She said that Nelson Mandela had said that
“as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”
and that I had let my light shine, allowing the other women to let theirs shine, and I was just like, whatever, but it did make me think…
I think that I wish I had a light that I could let shine, but some of me is just filled with darkness. Unbearable pain is dark and overwhelming…I’m not sure what she saw in me, because I don’t see the same stuff at all, but it did make me think…Something must have made her feel that way; she’s not the type of person to say nice things just to bullshit you, she usually means it!
She is a wonderful wonderful lady! She has been through a lot herself, and pulled out of her own pain to come out better at the other end, to help other survivors on their journey. Her and I worked together for a few years when I was new in London, I was in a bad and desperate state of mind, and I frantically needed help. She has been invaluable in my journey to healing!
Something else that she said that stuck in my mind was that she said: Don’t be afraid to be yourself. I think I have always wanted to be someone else, something else, be something I’m not, but I think she is right, I shouldn’t be afraid to be who I am! This IS me. This is my journey, my path, my story. This is my pain, my sorrow, my emotions and feelings, and I should not be made feel or make myself feel bad for being who I am.
It is hard. But I think the soothing tone of her voice and the wonderful healing power her presence has on me made me feel more deeply connected to my feelings and emotions. I am usually busy talking to people; it is hard for me to sit still or not report every single thing to someone, anyone, on my phone – being alone with my own self is probably the toughest thing in the world to me!
When I was with my ex-boyfriend, he was always on the other end of the phone, email, text, whatsapp, bbm…ready to listen, ready to offer advice, so I always trusted him to be the one I could tell EVERYTHING to, so after I broke up with him, the biggest thing to get over has been the fact that I don’t have anyone like him to ALWAYS have on hand to report to.
I am alone. And the toughest challenge is to be okay about being alone. I don’t trust my feelings or my thoughts, but now I have a chance to be in my own head and trust only in my own self.
I will try. Be my own best friend, my confidante, my..everything. Because I am all I have, really.
I googled the Nelson Mandela quote and a whole chunk of text showed up, so let me share the speech here, it is beautiful. I hope you feel the chills in your spine like I did when I first read this:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Have a beautiful blessed day! xx