I want to cry

I’m sad. My heart is burning with the feelings of pain, hurt, longing, sadness, emptiness and loneliness.

I just went to say goodbye to my former therapist – I’d emailed her saying I was leaving the country and she suggested I’d come by to say bye, and off I went, to the old memories of going to see her for my weekly sessions, walking down the same roads I used to walk on when I used to see her.

It was bitter and happy. Bittersweet. Nice to be able to share my news of moving on with my life, but bitter because I yearned to stay there talking about my pain; I yearned to have therapy and go to the deepest corners of my soul to scrape out the pain and find healing.

I shared my news and I cried as I switched to the “patient” mode. She shared her views of me which I found healing. I started seeing her right after I finished my Master’s here in London, up until when she got suddenly ill two years later.

She was my mother figure. She was there for me, the strange care that felt unconditional to me; I was cared about at that place!

I have grown and changed. She said that, and I feel it. I’m not that young rambling woman who was emotionally all over the place anymore. I’m growing, and I am healing in my own ways.

I realized that I still have a long way to go.

In my daily life, I keep busy doing this and getting excited about that and I numb and hide my feelings into my soul so I don’t have to deal with them.

I want more therapy. Sitting on the couch in that old room where I used to discuss the abuse and my life made the daily excitement subside, and the realization that I’m a survivor who hasn’t completely dealt with the abuse came to life.

I want therapy! I want to start a new journey into the depths of my memory, I want to scrape out the pain, I want to remember how I felt as a little girl who was being sexually abused.

I need that. I need to continue that journey to heal.

No one is ever “perfect”, but for my own sake, I need to take time out for healing from abuse.

The little girl is tugging on my sleeve. She wants attention. She wants to be heard! I can’t push my inner child away anymore. She is worth so much more than that.

Xx

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