Feeling a Bit Down

I took a month off sick thinking I’d get thinking, self-therapy and relaxation done but instead I’ve been faffing around doing nothing except watching too many TV shows online and sleeping yet still feeling tired.

So much has happened in my life since I started this blog it’s actually quite unbelievable! I have moved houses, jobs, countries, therapists, relationships and friendships.

I have lost people, mourned, grown, cried and laughed. I have learned a lot about life, and also about myself and the journey I am on.

I am due to go back to work this week and I’m just not looking forward to it at all!! I really enjoyed doing nothing, a lot of my worries fell off my shoulders and I felt free.

I spent time watching tv and doing pointless little activities and sitting in the sun and going out partying and generally just enjoying life. Although I feel tired like I said, and a bit hopeless as now the reality kicks in and it’ll be a shock to the system, but I still am happy with my decision to ask for sick leave from my doctor and not work for a whole month!

I guess in a way I’m in a better place mentally. I don’t know if you can grow out of depression or borderline personality disorder, but I do feel like a lot of the issues I normally deal with in my head are now gone….

I am sad. Sad that life goes by so fast, I still mourn the ending of my last relationship and know that I will always love him on some level, and it hurts to know that we weren’t able to stay as friends.

It’s bizarre to spend so much time with someone and share your whole being with someone and then suddenly not have them in your life. Off they go with your secrets and your shared joys and little beautiful moments.

But I am moving on, and I am happy about that. I have realised I have repeated a lot of patterns when it comes to relationships and I am now growing out of those patterns and I really do hope I can become more and more of a functioning adult.

I am healing. I am letting go in some ways – letting go of negative behaviours and thought patterns and I am opening my mind up for new possibilities in life.

I guess I am unhappy that my career hasn’t worked out, but…I just have to live with it, huh?

I really wanna post more about abuse too, not because it is a joy to open up about the gruesome stuff from my childhood, but because it is important for me to use this space for therapy as its all I have!

So yeah, lots going on, lots of changes, wish I could talk about it all but some relate to my personal life and I can’t yet have people know who I am so I have to be a bit vague, but lets just say I am planning on quitting my current job and moving away from London and going traveling and doing things I never thought I would be able to do in my life….

Hope you all are well and it’s always nice to read comments because it keeps me attached to the people that I’ve been able to connect with through here, so keep them coming!

Much love xx


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