I’m off! I started my month-long sick leave this weekend and it does feel weird to wake up on a Monday morning and not have to stress about work…Weird but GOOD!
I have no idea what I will do for a month. But I feel happy. I finally will have time to…breathe. Relax. Do self-therapy and enjoy having to do nothing.
I have to admit I am getting a bit antsy – I always feel like I should be accomplishing all this shit in life, so it is uncomfortable to not have any responsibilities placed on me yet have a mental list in my head that tells me do do do this that and the other. I am trying to avoid listening to that voice in my head and just….relax.
Sitting within four walls makes me want to snack. I feel myself getting fat and then I get anxious about not eating and forcing myself to work out, yet my body has given up and I fell asleep on the couch in the middle of the day. I recognize these emotions and feelings as lasting impact from my eating disorder thirteen years ago, and in a way welcome the obsessive feelings as I want to battle them.
I want to grow. I want to let go. I want to look at myself closely, I want to cry, I want to discover who I am. I never have time normally to do any of this and now that life has stopped, I will attempt to accomplish some of that.
I discovered Jessie Ware and her music, and have been listening to Wildest Moments on repeat. Reminds me of my ex and it makes me cry. But it’s good crying, like, cleansing.
I am hoping for my inner child to come to me. I hope to cry a lot. I feel like crying now. Crying is a cleanse and I like to feel clean. I want to cleanse my body and soul during this month and have a complete time out from my regular life. Phone has been off for a while and I won’t log into facebook (disabled my wall too so no one can post on my wall!) and I will try….rest.
I have time to connect with people so will hopefully blog a lot more and connect with people!
Love, L x