I was home alone last night. I am still crashing at my best friend’s place (the ones who follow my blog know I got evicted and have decided to take unpaid time off work and hence staying at friends’ until I have the strength to change things about my life…) and he was gone so I was smoking my e-cigarette and snacking on grapes and staring at the cream-colored walls in deep thought.
I suddenly started thinking about the Little Girl…She is me, aged 9 or 10, but she feels like a completely different person, lurking in the background of my everyday life, sometimes making appearances…
She has big sad blue eyes and is constantly sad and withdrawn. I used to hate her, and in my mind I wanted to beat her up really badly, I reeeeally hated her.
I hated her stupidity, her clumsiness, her innocence and her existing because it is her fault my life is shit.
I don’t feel like she is a part of me. She was born, grew older, died, and then somehow I appeared. We have no connection, there is no continuum between our lives whatsoever, she is a ghost yet somehow there is a link between us two.
Last night she made an appearance. I could feel her icy presence and the sadness that she carries around surrounded me. She speaks Finnish to me and I reply in English – it’s bizarre but her voice in my head is a child-like tone, and she doesn’t know English.
She asked my why dad is hurting her. I said I don’t know. That’s what I usually tell her. She always asks that. Then she asks why she’s so alone, and I say I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with her in those moments. But I’m here now!
I kept talking to her. I always cry and get upset but I try to hold on to her presence as long as I can because I feel like she is the missing link to the life I apparently had before, the time that I have forgotten. She is my way of remembering.
I always close my eyes and concentrate on her. Last night I told her that although I haven’t loved her but blamed her for everything, I would try to change and love her. I feel cold towards her still, yet acceptance of her and not wanting to kill her is a step forward.
I said I was sorry for her having to live alone in her pain, that I was sorry there was no one helping her, and that I was sorry I couldn’t be there. I told her to stay strong, to hold on to hope of something better, and to know it is not her fault.
She is sad and downbeat but I don’t blame her. I appreciate that she comes by my life and shares her pain. She just stands there, still, with the eyes staring at me from behind the light brown fringe. She has big cheeks and I wish that she could smile. She has smiled before, in pictures, but when she comes visit me she is always sad. It’s like a rain cloud is following her wherever she goes and she can’t get rid of it.
So much of my heart goes out to that Little Girl in the Rain who keeps going no matter what, takes it all in her stride, and I just hope that one day she will reveal all her secrets to me.