Talking to the Little Girl

I was home alone last night. I am still crashing at my best friend’s place (the ones who follow my blog know I got evicted and have decided to take unpaid time off work and hence staying at friends’ until I have the strength to change things about my life…) and he was gone so I was smoking my e-cigarette and snacking on grapes and staring at the cream-colored walls in deep thought.

I suddenly started thinking about the Little Girl…She is me, aged 9 or 10, but she feels like a completely different person, lurking in the background of my everyday life, sometimes making appearances…

She has big sad blue eyes and is constantly sad and withdrawn. I used to hate her, and in my mind I wanted to beat her up really badly, I reeeeally hated her.

I hated her stupidity, her clumsiness, her innocence and her existing because it is her fault my life is shit.

I don’t feel like she is a part of me. She was born, grew older, died, and then somehow I appeared. We have no connection, there is no continuum between our lives whatsoever, she is a ghost yet somehow there is a link between us two.

Last night she made an appearance. I could feel her icy presence and the sadness that she carries around surrounded me. She speaks Finnish to me and I reply in English – it’s bizarre but her voice in my head is a child-like tone, and she doesn’t know English.

She asked my why dad is hurting her. I said I don’t know. That’s what I usually tell her. She always asks that. Then she asks why she’s so alone, and I say I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with her in those moments. But I’m here now!

I kept talking to her. I always cry and get upset but I try to hold on to her presence as long as I can because I feel like she is the missing link to the life I apparently had before, the time that I have forgotten. She is my way of remembering.

I always close my eyes and concentrate on her. Last night I told her that although I haven’t loved her but blamed her for everything, I would try to change and love her. I feel cold towards her still, yet acceptance of her and not wanting to kill her is a step forward.

I said I was sorry for her having to live alone in her pain, that I was sorry there was no one helping her, and that I was sorry I couldn’t be there. I told her to stay strong, to hold on to hope of something better, and to know it is not her fault.

She is sad and downbeat but I don’t blame her. I appreciate that she comes by my life and shares her pain. She just stands there, still, with the eyes staring at me from behind the light brown fringe. She has big cheeks and I wish that she could smile. She has smiled before, in pictures, but when she comes visit me she is always sad. It’s like a rain cloud is following her wherever she goes and she can’t get rid of it.

So much of my heart goes out to that Little Girl in the Rain who keeps going no matter what, takes it all in her stride, and I just hope that one day she will reveal all her secrets to me.

x

 

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7 thoughts on “Talking to the Little Girl

  1. I can most certainly relate here. I also *hated* the girl I once was. She haunts my dreams nightly. I’ve had a shift in perspective that is helping me listen to her and make her a part of me, rather than a distant self.

    You’re doing therapy all on your own now…you realize? That was some good work you did, talking to her and allowing things to exist rather than hiding from them or running away (my usual methods – I mean no offense). You’re such a strong woman. You can take care of that little one…I know it’s true.

    Glad to see you posting and I’m happy to hear you’re still comfortable at your friends place. xx Been thinking of you.

    • I guess I am starting to be my own therapist!! I guess what I got from my former therapy was some kind of skills to continue work on my own…it’s weird but comforting you used to hate your inner child too, guess sharing IS caring and to hear others talk about similar issues helps so much!

      Yup, still at my friend’s, I am really grateful he’s let me stay for a month and he offers the kind of platonic guy friendship that is really valuable to me! I sleep on an air mattress but I feel at home! One step at a time. I’m actually leaving on Friday to go visit my good friend in the US for a month, decided to take a real break from everything and travel away! It’s kind of huge and scary but the knowledge that I will be with my own thoughts for a while in a strange place feels good. Will definitely spend time blogging and writing! I have gotten my doctor to sign me off so I’m officially on sick leave from Monday! Feels like a relief…I know I could maybe work if I tried but I have allowed myself to feel weak and to seek help and accept that now, I need a break.

      You’re based in the UK, right? I am not sure if I ever asked….you don’t have to tell me, just curious, I guess.

      Take good care!

      • Oh I LOVE hearing this!! You are wise, I think to take that break so wanted. No time like the present right? I always end up finding reasons to put things off and suddenly realize it’s too late. Can’t travel now that I have a child in school and a full time job….crap. :S (Yay you!! Go! Go! Go!).

        I’ll be closer to you actually, when you visit your friend. I’m in Canada. 🙂

        What you say about being your own therapist is a very valid point. Sometimes we are the only ones who have the answers. Looking forward to carrying on with you. Can’t wait to hear of your adventures in the states. xx
        Grainne

      • Oooh you’re in Canada! Nice! Never visited but I have only heard good things about the country 🙂 Apparently y’all have a great health care system (compared to the US??) and people are friendly. Or so I’ve heard 🙂

        Yeah I think taking a break is a good idea at this point in time. It has been crazy for me but as a Scandinavian, I’m used to this mentality of keeping up appearances and pretending everything is good and working hard until I reach a breaking point. At so many moments during the past year I have felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown so it feels like I am actually taking care of my own needs by asking for sick leave and taking time out…..

        I do feel a bit guilty….Like, I should keep going to work and I should find somewhere to live and all these shoulds that I have in my head….But I have decided to take the plunge – and what is a month anyway? If I kept going, I might go crazy and end up on a hospital ward with psychosis and then what?? It is better to allow oneself to stop and rest.

        I am so grateful for your support!! It feels like you understand what I’m going through yet somehow you are past my struggles and can tell me that it will get better as you have gotten through it…Not saying you’re not struggling as I hear from your words and posts that things get difficult, but it seems that you are very wise and think deeply.

        Indeed we will be closer! Possibly even same time zone 🙂 Will be good to devote more time for my self-therapy while I have the time to sit down and ponder upon my own thoughts….

      • If you’d like to meet up on yahoo IM or skype while you’re in my time zone, I’d love to connect. 🙂 Let me know…I think you have my email, right?

        I’m really pleased to be able to at least serve as a beacon of hope for you. I’m in a different phase of healing, you are correct, but wow do I ever know how you feel. It wasn’t long ago that I was there too. I have a dear friend on my blog (Kitty) who was always there for the bad days. For no reason other than she knew what it was like to feel the things I felt. Kitty helped (helps) me so much and really made me feel like there were still good, kind souls out there. I couldn’t be happier to pay that kindness forward.

        Plus, I think you’re a really solid, strong woman who knows what she’s capable of in life. I have a lot of respect for you and the fight you put up 🙂

        *hugs* I wish we could go for coffee! Maybe one day you can come visit Canada and I’ll play tour guide!

        You take care…keep writing. I think you’re doing so well. xoxo

      • I do have Skype! I will have to email you my details as I don’t want people randomly coming by the blog to know who I am…including employers, future employers, etc. Touchy subject, so I choose to remain anonymous for the time being….Actually I could make a new Skype account for this purpose hmmmm will get to it now and post in your comments perhaps?

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