Trying to feel positive!

I am again tired of feeling sad, depressed, exhausted, anxious, SAD.

So I talked to my pastor on Sunday and the conversation lifted me up emotionally, and then having good friends around me makes me feel better. I am crashing on a friend’s living room floor for the third week in a row and I really like it – being homeless is not cool and the air mattress is shit, but I feel safe and at home there, and we have great fun conversations and can commute together!

I like his girlfriend also, and together we tease my friend all day every day. It makes me smile 🙂

I saw a doctor and begged for time off and got signed off sick on the basis of “mental health problems” for  a month! YES! I will get to REST and RELAX. I won’t get paid, but I had already asked for unpaid time off and gotten that approved, so now I will at least get the British Statutory Sick Pay from my employer.

I will sit at my friend’s and do…nothing. Recover, I guess. Can one heal from depression and anxiety in a month? Maybe. I will try my hardest! I feel like I have been given a lifeline and I must grasp it with all that I have.

I wanna go see my mom. I really feel like we’re slowly getting closer maybe a little bit, I have opened up about feelings and emotions and the fact that I tell her about my antidepressants and things like that means that I kind of am starting to trust her not to insult me or say hurtful things, or be her usual self which I feel is judgemental and “oh I know it all” kind of attitude. I feel like my whole life she has belittled me and I am now willing to step up and be an adult (although a vulnerable one) when I talk to her. It does help immensely to feel more secure in my own self.

I have smiled today. I have chatted with colleagues and last night I met up with an old friend of mine – actually a few as I had scheduled three different meet ups for one night! – and it was so much fun to reminisce and in the end I realized I do feel like I am very blessed in so many ways, and that I for sure have lived.

Healing from the sexual abuse…Now that is a whole another ballgame. I wonder if I ever will remember? Heal? Feel better about it? I do not know.

I think during my month off I will gather all my self help books, blog a lot, think a lot, do whatever it takes to feel like I am taking time out for myself and put aside time for healing, and hopefully it will make a difference.

xxx

 

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2 thoughts on “Trying to feel positive!

  1. I hope this month is super spangly for you, and that you feel rested and at least semi healed by the time you have to go back to work…Rest can sometimes work miracles! Fingers Crossed for ya… Luv Dawny xxx

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