I am again tired of feeling sad, depressed, exhausted, anxious, SAD.
So I talked to my pastor on Sunday and the conversation lifted me up emotionally, and then having good friends around me makes me feel better. I am crashing on a friend’s living room floor for the third week in a row and I really like it – being homeless is not cool and the air mattress is shit, but I feel safe and at home there, and we have great fun conversations and can commute together!
I like his girlfriend also, and together we tease my friend all day every day. It makes me smile 🙂
I saw a doctor and begged for time off and got signed off sick on the basis of “mental health problems” for a month! YES! I will get to REST and RELAX. I won’t get paid, but I had already asked for unpaid time off and gotten that approved, so now I will at least get the British Statutory Sick Pay from my employer.
I will sit at my friend’s and do…nothing. Recover, I guess. Can one heal from depression and anxiety in a month? Maybe. I will try my hardest! I feel like I have been given a lifeline and I must grasp it with all that I have.
I wanna go see my mom. I really feel like we’re slowly getting closer maybe a little bit, I have opened up about feelings and emotions and the fact that I tell her about my antidepressants and things like that means that I kind of am starting to trust her not to insult me or say hurtful things, or be her usual self which I feel is judgemental and “oh I know it all” kind of attitude. I feel like my whole life she has belittled me and I am now willing to step up and be an adult (although a vulnerable one) when I talk to her. It does help immensely to feel more secure in my own self.
I have smiled today. I have chatted with colleagues and last night I met up with an old friend of mine – actually a few as I had scheduled three different meet ups for one night! – and it was so much fun to reminisce and in the end I realized I do feel like I am very blessed in so many ways, and that I for sure have lived.
Healing from the sexual abuse…Now that is a whole another ballgame. I wonder if I ever will remember? Heal? Feel better about it? I do not know.
I think during my month off I will gather all my self help books, blog a lot, think a lot, do whatever it takes to feel like I am taking time out for myself and put aside time for healing, and hopefully it will make a difference.