I have been keeping a diary here for years now…it’s a bit bizarre to look through the older posts and think wow, that was an interesting period in my life.
The posts about my recent therapy make me feel sad; I wish I could tell that confused girl to just open up and not be scared! Use the time wisely before it’s over!
I had a dream about my therapist actually. In my dream we became friends, and he was caring, and nice, and friendly, and I got to know him on a personal level. I was so sad when I woke up because I know I will never ever see him again.
He had sent a letter to my doctor notifying them that the therapy had come to an end and that I had had a hard time sharing and opening up. He also recommended me to continue therapy, and I have looked up a few places that offer long-term reduced-fee psychotherapy, mainly institutions that train therapists.
If I am to stay in London I think that it what my heart tells me to go for, but I don’t know if I’m staying. I have applied for unpaid leave from work – I really want to quit, but I think it’ll look better on my CV that I am “working” as I can’t lie about these things, and it is harder to get work when you’re not working. I haven’t heard from them, but I also have a doctor’s appointment next week where I will beg for sick leave.
I have bought flights to go away for a month. I am going. I don’t even care about how things will be when I get back, I just need sleep, relaxation, recuperation, time for myself. In the middle of the summer I just want to be in nature, outdoors, enjoying God’s creations instead of laboring in this shit little office doing shit work.
At the moment I am working from home on an island off the southern coast of England. I have a friend here and she suggested I’d come visit her and work from home – what a great idea! We have been chatting and drinking lots of wine in the evenings, I haven’t left the house in four days and that suits me fine, I like not doing much. It is relaxing!
Back to London today. Staying with the same friend until I leave at the end of the month, so deflating air mattress in the living room it is for the next two weeks. I don’t even mind anymore, I am grateful for being looked after and for having friends!
I would be nothing without my friends. I don’t have that many, but the ones I have know everything about me, and they love me for me. My doctor friend here on the island has said many times that I am like a textbook version of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I don’t even get mad, I appreciate her opinion and she understands my moods as a medical doctor.
I have been praying but nothing has happened so far. I do believe there is a God as I would not be here without divine guidance. The things that I have been through in life……is a lot. Too much, even. They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, but I think it may be somewhat incorrect as I have been given tooooo much to carry, and sometimes I feel like not carrying on at all.
But today I’m hopeful. It stopped raining. I have friends. The neighbor’s cat comes in during the days and while I sit at my laptop he curls up on my lap and purrs. He is such a cutie I want to keep him!! Animals make me happy in general, more so than humans will ever be able to.
Oh, here he comes again! Better open the door and let him in, and maybe he’ll bring some furry happiness into my life too.
Big things, little things, everything is changing, but first and foremost, I am hanging on!