All Alone in the World

That’s how I feel. Ever since we broke it off completely and for good with my ex-boyfriend, I lost the one person who was always there at the other end of the phone, willing to listen to me and offer care and understanding.

But it was MY choice. I broke up! So my mind is confused but in a way I feel liberated and free because the arguments, jealousy, me having to lie and thread on eggshells around him, being always worried about what he would say, being anxious about upsetting him…all of that is gone. I only have to account for myself!

Still homeless. Been looking for rooms but since I moved into my last flatshare, rents have skyrocketed and I have zero desire to yet again live like a student and share an apartment with strangers off the internet and not feel stable and at home.

So I’m crashing on my best friend’s living room floor on an air mattress which deflates every night so I wake up with my ass on the floor. Oh well. Going somewhere else for a week this weekend, and then again back to square one. I know I HAVE to make big decisions but I feel terrified – EVERYTHING in my life has changed all of a sudden and even without two mental illnesses I’d be having a hard time adjusting, but taking everything into account, I WONDER how I still manage to not go ape shit crazy……….

Loss of love and a partner in who I thought I’d be with for the rest of my life even though things were shit a lot of the time. And, by me choosing to do this makes me feel crazy, weird, question my own thoughts, and wondering what the hell do I even want then, a God?

Moving all my shit into storage and living out of a suitcase at a friend’s flat that is time-limited so the clock is ticking and choices need to be made soon.

Finishing intensive psychotherapy with a therapist I was not sure about but realized only after the fact that I did like him and valued his input and I even have dreams of him now because I painfully miss the support so so so fucking much!

Moving out of my home of two and a half years. Where I was bullied and blackmailed and made feel shit, but which still was my little sanctuary away from the world. My home, my only safe space in the world. I had pictures on the walls, candles around, a big nice bed and all my possessions in one single place. I laughed, I cried, I was made love to, I hosted friends, I danced in the dark, and I was in pain but I healed there too.

An emotional trip to the US to witness the wedding of one of my best friends which made me cry because I there realized what I don’t have – a loving family, a unit of people coming together to celebrate something special.

Doing stupid things in the US that still are on my mind and feel like they have pushed me back on my road to healing.

Visiting and spending time with my former host family – an emotional affair as I am so worried about them not liking me that I am anxious, paranoid and behave differently around them. I really just wanted them to love me! Desperately.

Coming back to cold London and getting ill two days later. Spending time sleeping in bed feeling super sorry for myself while my friend and new roommate wants to have fun and go out. Viral cold, cough, feeling fucking tired all the time.

Still dealing with the eviction court case from my former apartment. Ugh. What a nightmare!!

Going to a shit, below-my-skills job every single fucking day. I have been here for three years and I have hated it every single day. This makes me depressed, but despite my best efforts, I have not been able to find better work! Talk about loss of self-esteem….

Knowing that I have been diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder. Thinking weird things and reacting to situations completely differently than some other people. Had an argument and a fall out with a friend when they said they couldn’t “handle my emotions” and couldn’t hence be in contact. Feeling like a freak because people tell me just get on with it, or just find a place to rent and find a new job or just find find find something. I can’t!!!! Don’t they think I’m trying?? No one enjoys being a negative tired complaining ball of hate, but I am UNABLE to feel or be any fucking different than what I now am, so….Feeling like and alien and it makes me really feel on the outside of the society.

And on top of every other fucking thing in my life, I still am an abuse and rape and domestic violence survivor, with my memories and feelings of pain and hatred and sadness, feeling sorry for myself, being so down about my past and feeling hopeless a lot of the time. Standing on train platforms debating whether to jump because life is just too much sometimes…

Realizing I am really ultimately all alone in the world and no one, absolutely no one, is coming to save me.

REALLY not trying to bitch about how terrible my life is, or trying to make anyone feel like theirs is better or worse, I am just very honestly jotting down all the things that I am trying to deal with at the same time to somehow make sense of it all and make my mind process the anxiety and depression in a way that I could also leave some space for…smiles and feelings of being blessed in so many other ways too……….

And here is Tupac for you.

 

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7 thoughts on “All Alone in the World

  1. Wow I’m pretty impressed with your stability as well. I have handled less things in a better way. I’m glad you have a friend that can take you in. I’m moving in with some friends myself due to a bastardized relentless economy. All I can say is keep fighting, and keep your head up. ❤

  2. You are doing better than you realize. Your thoughts are organized and concise and you’re heading in the right directions. Once you find a space to call your own, I’m betting things start to fall into place again. I am glad you’ve found a friend to stay with for now though..I was worried you’d end up in a shelter or something.

    The end of therapy is a huge, huge thing and I can imagine it’s very difficult to let go of. I’m not sure how I would handle that either.

    I hope you feel better from your cold soon. Being physically sick makes all the emotional stuff so much harder to bear.

    *hugs* Thinking of you. xx

    • I can’t believe I didn’t reply to this yet! Apologies!!! Thank you for your encouraging comments as always, you really know how to touch my heart and soul and I feel very blessed to have you in my life! You’re like positive force out there, radiating goodness into my life!

      I guess I am doing okay – I’m still standing! Despite the bad days, I AM trying! I still wake up in the mornings and try to stay hopeful and I have not given up on life…

      My friend said I can stay until the end of the month so air mattress it is, but I am grateful. No haste decision making needed!

      Take good care and stay strong xx

      • What a lovely thing to say, thank you! I love knowing that my thoughts come across so well and make you feel supported. Your story is familiar to me in many ways…I think we are quite similar in thought. 🙂

        Don’t worry about timely replies, my friend. You have a lot on your plate right now…there’s no time limit. xx

      • Isn’t it strange that you can make a connection with someone who is living a completely different life to yours but with whom you share similarities and can actually have a meaningful connection with? I think it’s amazing, one of those mysteries of the world that really can catch you by surprise 🙂 I am glad we have made a connection 😀 xxxxx

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