Oh my God it hurts!

I just picked up my final bits and pieces from my ex boyfriend’s.

I’m trying to not cry because I’m on the bus but my heart is aching so bad I don’t think I even want to live anymore…

I miss him. I miss the good times. Mostly, I miss his undying love and care towards me. No one has ever before loved me like he did. No one!! Through his love I learned to love myself a little bit, and have appreciation towards myself.

It was me who broke it up. Like 6 months ago. I was just so fed up with his jealousy, his inability to motivate himself to work harder and go further in life, and I was tired and fed up of the bad times, the arguments, and also how I had started behaving.

I lied. I hid things. My emotions, for sure. I started resenting him.

It was a tumultuous relationship, and when I broke up with him on New Year’s eve, I didn’t mean to break up for good, I just wanted him to realize I meant business, and I wanted him to straighten up, get a better job, start studying, come up with a plan.

I’m middle class. I guess. In me, my mother has instilled deep-rooted values of education, financial stability (even though she doesn’t have much), career, working hard, being financially independent and not in debt.

I always felt like my ex didn’t care about money. I’m not money hungry per se, but I would like nice things, and I don’t wanna struggle, and I see money as a vehicle for better tomorrow. He wanted kids, but I thought, you can’t buy Pampers with love! You need money, and we differed in that.

I never told my mom about him either. I am not sure why. I think my mom would have been judgmental, I feared. She’d wanna know which university he’d gone and I’d say he didn’t, and she would have judged him. So I never in three years told her I had a boyfriend!

I really used to think this guy was the One. The One I will get married to, the One who fathers my child, the One I grow old with….

Maybe I’m materialistic. Probably. I want a rich stable guy takes care of me so I don’t have to struggle…

In fact I don’t want anyone. I’m tired. Only I can save myself! I just really kind of wanna die because life is just too hard and…I’m tired! Tired of alllllll this shit…

Ps, my ex knew I’d been abused and he was an angel to me in my journey of healing…an ANGEL. He held my hand when I needed to cry, he listened to me, he loved me for ME.

I miss him more than I have missed anything in my life.

X

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3 thoughts on “Oh my God it hurts!

  1. I understand this post so much. I’m going through something similar. Having a man who treats me fantastically but has no motivation to be more than he is today, he doesn’t try to get a better job or to learn more about the world yet wants us to start a family… I don’t understand it.

    I too have broken up with him and it hurts but the way you have to look at it is, if you are truly what he wants, if he is truly worth it and deserving of you and all you have to offer as a woman and a partner, then he will get his shit together and come beating down your door to make sure you know.

    If he doesn’t do that… you were better off without him no matter how much it may hurt. xx

    Hope you feel better soon!

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