It is so

Oh boy…I have never ever before in my life been this anxious and stressed out in my entire life!!

I’m homeless.

I moved out of my last rented place because we were being evicted anyway, and the case in court had been going on for a year and a half (long story!!) and I was going to travel for three weeks and didnt wanna live in that situation anymore.

Downside is that when I arrived back in London I had nowhere real to go.

So I am crashing on a friend’s living room floor, on an inflatable mattress that deflates all the time,…I can only stay for a week more so I have NO clue what I will do next!

I got sick, sore throat, fever, cough…can’t do anything but sleep. Been in bed for days now and I don’t know if I ever will get better, or if I even want to get better!

I wanna leave. I wanna quit my job and just go…leave. But what am I gonna do with my life?! I can’t be unemployed and homeless forever!

I talk to my ex a lot. I do love him and I love how he cares about me. Just too many bad memories and I have tried to move on, but I am afraid of making a huge mistake. I hate endings! I get so upset, I would rather take bad situations than let go and be alone forever.

I guess that what my mom was like with my dad who abused her and me and my brother, so I have it easy, we just had incompatibility issues and arguments.

I get vivid dreams. This is what told me:

“To see muddy or dirty water in your dream indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to take some time to cleanse your mind and find internal peace. Alternatively, the dream suggests that your thinking/judgment is unclear and clouded. If you are immersed in muddy water, then it indicates that you are in over your head in a situation and are overwhelmed by your emotions. To dream that water is rising up in your house suggests that you are becoming overwhelmed by your emotions”

I wanna take a break. I can’t take this. On Monday I will hand in my notice and crash at friends for a few weeks and…leave.

I am SCARED. Scared of the unknown. Scared of making bad decisions. Scared of realising I had made a mistake. But I cannot take this anymore!!

I miss my therapist, I wish I still had him! He was my rock, someone I could honestly tell anything! Anything and everything. And I lost it, it’s no more, ever.

I am sad. Upset. Anxious. Sick. Stressed out.

I had flashbacks while I was on my holiday in the US. to the abuse and my childhood. I cried a lot, it was very emotional. I am determined to make it, but it for sure is not easy!!

I also started talking to my brother. He is still in Finland and at one point we didnt talk for years…I just decided to open up and make a connection, might as well as I don’t have very many people in my life that I am completely honest with.

It turned out to be a very positive conversation. On Facebook you can not see the other person, but words come out easier, at least for me. I told him about my situation and things and problems and he told me about his. He gave me advice. He listened to me. I really felt emotional and got so angry that is is wht we hadn’t had for 20 years, that my father ruined it all for us and we weren’t there for each other in forever…maybe now we can take small steps and repair it??

He told me he knew I had been scared of him. I said I used to think he wanted to kill me. He was shocked, but I said I was being serious. We sorted out a lot of feelings…I wish one day I can live him as a brother that I really didnt have for so many years….

I have a,so opened up to my mother a bit. I think I have a long way to go, but now I am at the bottom of the pit and I need as much support as possible! I really do….I cannot do this on my own!

I also miss my host family. So as I have said before, I went on exchange to the US when I was sixteen, and was placed in a local host family. I had just recovered from a bad case of anorexia (or was still recovering, to be honest) and I had been suicidal and miserable and had told my therapists that if they didnt let me go on exchange I would kill myself.

So I arrived in Wisconsin and changed my entire life. I decided to be something else. A that point I didn’t yet remember the abuse, but I was determined not to be what I had been thus far. My family unknowingly saved me.

And this time that I was back I told them they saved my life. Even after the year I kept coming back all the time and never really even wanted to moved to England, I had wanted to stay in the US because that country saved me. And no one knew it!

So this time I told my parents everything. I was so honest, I cried, I laughed, I hugged and told them they had saved me. I told them about the abuse, the therapy, my problems. My relationship, things I have struggled with. They told me they were proud of me and my mom said that she thinks I should know that the abuse will forever be with me, that it can’t be taken away.

I said I know. And she is right, I will forever til the day I die be a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, no matter where I live, who I’m with, what I’m doing. It’s up to me how I live that identity out, though.

I’d like to say I am trying to honor the little girl in me who is hurting, but…sometimes I forget about her. I blame her. It was her fault. I look at her standing all alone in the rain longingly wishing someone loved her for who she is, but my biggest fear is no one will, and she will forever be alone.



2 thoughts on “It is so

  1. She doesn’t have to be alone, that little girl inside you. YOU can stand beside her. I wish I could tell you that I’d figured it all out but I know you can tend to yourself inside in a way that will make you feel safer.

    I think you did a really great thing, talking to your family. (blood or not, they sound like they really love you). That’s not an easy thing to do! Talking to your brother was a big step too. I know you’re scared right now because nothing seems familiar, but you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will, eventually change. Once you get control of the reins again, you’ll be better off than you were. xx

    I hate that you’ve lost your therapist though. 😦 I wish I could lend you mine. She’s fantastic.

    • Aww thank you for the encouragement! I think you are right about everything being unfamiliar, that is what makes everything scary. Small steps. Today I decided to get out of bed eventually, sick or not. Blogging helps. Just starting is tough, but putting words on the screen helps!

      I wish I could share your therapist! I am in pieces about not having one…anyone…who is there for me 100% …

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