Sorry for not posting in a while.
I’ve been in the States for just over a week now, kind of on vacation but really to attend two weddings. It has been an emotional and stressful journey for sure!
Weddings…are a bit too much for me. You are reminded that you don’t have family that come together in support, and that makes me very sad. The first wedding I attended was taking its toll -I was super happy for my friend but sad at the same time for not having family and I had to take time out to go and cry.
I’m in a small town in a small Midwestern state, in a motel room, bored, waiting for the second wedding. I’m here with my former host family – I’d done exchange to the US years ago and I still cling onto the couple like they’re real family.
Of course they aren’t. Their son is getting married and I see the love in this eyes they have for him and again I’m reminded I’m that foreign exchange student, all alone in America, wishing this was real but it’s not.
I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t belong in Finland, the country of my birth and youth, I do tbelong here as I am foreign, and I for sure don’t belong to England either. I’m stateless, homeless, family-less individual, not being able to belong anywhere.
I kinda wanna stay. I wanna keep pretending they’re my real family and that I have someone who loves me.
But I hide who I really am. I do things I think they’d approve of, just to make them love me. We have chatted quite a lot this time around, I haven’t seen them in four years but told a lot on email.
The abuse, therapy, my relationship and the ending of it, my house problems and current homelessness, eating disorder, my relationship with my real mom, my career and the lack of…everything. I am open on email as its easier to write things down than to say them out loud….
I will be here for a week or so more, traveling around a bit, and then it’s back to normalcy. London, my shitty job, being homeless…figuring out what I’d wanna do in life…all that stresses the shit out of me but I’m hoping to just be able to enjoy a bit of time out and even though I’m in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do, it’s still surely better than being in London and being too busy??
Sending out big hugs to everyone!