I went to the gym last night and on my way home I really wanted to talk to someone. It was then that I realized that I can’t be alone, whenever there is a moment that I’m not surrounded by people I get panicky and want to chat to someone or watch TV at home or read something or just…do something. I cannot be alone with my thoughts!
I again don’t know why. I kept walking and got more and more anxious so I turned the music on in my iPod and put a sad song on repeat and tried to take deep breaths.
I think it might be that when I’m idle and alone, the really deep feelings that I keep hidden start resurfacing, so staying busy stops me from having to encounter them.
It is weird that the therapy I did was the same – I’d babble along about pointless everyday issues and found it too difficult to go deeper into my mind, into those painful thoughts and memories.
I hope that I can now work on this as I have recognized it, and maybe attempt to do some soul searching. I will have to choose a quiet time in my room and just lie down and think about nothing. Kind of like, meditation, but more like trying to actually be one with myself.
Funny that these things pop up. I remember in my last session with my therapist when I was crying and crying in anguish he said that I shouldn’t see that the therapeutic process ends there but that I can hold on to the things we worked on and keep working on them and take something home from the therapy instead of just think that was it and it’s all over.
He was right – ultimately we did work on things. Like Grainne, my new lovely friend who leaves me amazing and encouraging and supportive comments has said, I did do things that have taken me forward. I trusted a man, and that was huge.
I opened up about the abuse somewhat. I mean, it is easy to say it out loud like yeah I was abused, and don’t feel too tough about it, but in the psychotherapy that I did, everything was way more intense than in real life, and saying that I was abused was unbearable, too hard, excruciatingly painful…..
Lying down makes you feel vulnerable, and all your senses are super sensitive, and words and thoughts that wouldn’t raise any emotions elsewhere suddenly feel ten times stronger and I did cry a few times just out of nowhere. So speaking about the abuse was out of question as I thought I would burst out crying and not be able to stop if I went there, to that scary painful place…
I don’t know…I mean, I want more therapy but maybe I need to mourn the ending of this one and take my time and see where life takes me first….
I pray for blessings to all of your lives and I hope you are taking very good care of yourselves…xx LittleGirl