Being Alone is So Hard

I went to the gym last night and on my way home I really wanted to talk to someone. It was then that I realized that I can’t be alone, whenever there is a moment that I’m not surrounded by people I get panicky and want to chat to someone or watch TV at home or read something or just…do something. I cannot be alone with my thoughts!

I again don’t know why. I kept walking and got more and more anxious so I turned the music on in my iPod and put a sad song on repeat and tried to take deep breaths.

I think it might be that when I’m idle and alone, the really deep feelings that I keep hidden start resurfacing, so staying busy stops me from having to encounter them.

It is weird that the therapy I did was the same – I’d babble along about pointless everyday issues and found it too difficult to go deeper into my mind, into those painful thoughts and memories.

I hope that I can now work on this as I have recognized it, and maybe attempt to do some soul searching. I will have to choose a quiet time in my room and just lie down and think about nothing. Kind of like, meditation, but more like trying to actually be one with myself.

Funny that these things pop up. I remember in my last session with my therapist when I was crying and crying in anguish he said that I shouldn’t see that the therapeutic process ends there but that I can hold on to the things we worked on and keep working on them and take something home from the therapy instead of just think that was it and it’s all over.

He was right – ultimately we did work on things. Like Grainne, my new lovely friend who leaves me amazing and encouraging and supportive comments has said, I did do things that have taken me forward. I trusted a man, and that was huge.

I opened up about the abuse somewhat. I mean, it is easy to say it out loud like yeah I was abused, and don’t feel too tough about it, but in the psychotherapy that I did, everything was way more intense than in real life, and saying that I was abused was unbearable, too hard, excruciatingly painful…..

Lying down makes you feel vulnerable, and all your senses are super sensitive, and words and thoughts that wouldn’t raise any emotions elsewhere suddenly feel ten times stronger and I did cry a few times just out of nowhere. So speaking about the abuse was out of question as I thought I would burst out crying and not be able to stop if I went there, to that scary painful place…

I don’t know…I mean, I want more therapy but maybe I need to mourn the ending of this one and take my time and see where life takes me first….

I pray for blessings to all of your lives and I hope you are taking very good care of yourselves…xx LittleGirl






3 thoughts on “Being Alone is So Hard

  1. Oh you lovely girl 🙂 You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Even when you post that you’re feeling anxious and sad, you always shine a light of hope in afterwards. I wonder if you you see this….I know sometimes it’s just a reflex (eg. I don’t feel worthy of this sadness so I’ll fake some happy to throw them off!) but so often you actually give yourself the kudos you deserve. That will serve you well as you continue your healing journey.

    I’m glad we’re friends. 🙂

    Back to the topic at hand…I find the same as you. When I am alone and quiet I quickly lose my grip on staying grounded. It was so bad that less than a year ago I couldn’t even spend a day off alone in my home (9-5 really since I live with my son and his father). Weekends would conclude with me depressed and anxious and then I’d fight through my week to *finally* get to the weekend, only to end up worse the next Monday. I had to sit and allow those terrifying things to wash over me. I took them in and accepted them as mine…I wish I could tell you how I did it, but all I know is that I did.

    I think you will be successful too. Just takes rime and effort, both of which I’ve already seen you put into helping yourself. xo You hang in there. *hugs*

    • Oh man, I just wrote a looooooong reply and it just vanished! Ugggh. The gist of it was, it is interesting that you have experienced similar thoughts, and it is inspiring that you got through it, and I think this is going to be my next goal, staying alone and in my thoughts, and enjoy the stillness and the thoughts and feelings it will bring with it. My constant fidgeting, multitasking, talking to people, all these things, are surely just masking a deeper issue and I want to go there, now.
      I hope you stay strong, and I offer my sorry on the issue that you had to deal with with the lady who thought she was busier than you. Annoying!! I wish I had something to say for you to get over it, but I know I would ponder upon events like that forever, so I don’t have good advice, just letting you know I’m sorry you had to deal with her and that she got you upset. I am happy we’re friends!!! Stay strong and beautiful xx

      • I hate it when that happens! I’ve had the same when replying to one of your posts. You watch the screen change and go “nooooooooo!” Thanks for trying again. 🙂

        My annoying work friend ignored me for a few days and seems to like me again. Hot cold just never made sense to me. I either like you all the time o I don’t … You know?

        Anyway. Hope you have an exceptionally good day. Xx

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