Big Changes

Storage booked. Friend promised to help me move. Bags packed. Boxes dragged in. Wardrobes empty and the rest of my clothes on the floor.

I am finally taking my life into my own hands and moving out of this hellhole. The past two and a half years in my lovely little cheap room in a shared apartment have been both nice in that I have been able to settle into this room, but horrible because we had major arguments and altercations with the landlord who then proceeded to evict us. Court hearings, paperwork, lots of arguments and fights and confusion later I am ready to leave!

I have decided to move out, put my stuff into storage and .. who knows?! I will be homeless when I come back from my three-week US trip but…who the hell cares?! I don’t. I don’t even think about it, to be honest.

I am scared of the changes. I am scared of not being in therapy. Not having that someone who HAS to listen to you for 50 minutes at a time, no matter what. Even if I chose to stay silent, he’d still have to be there. I am so sad it’s coming to an end, it really is giving me heartache and pain in my soul.

I am scared of moving out. I have lived here for so long! I have hated the arguments and it’s given me so so so much anxiety, but I have loved my little room, my home, my stuff in their own places and knowing I have somewhere safe to go home to. I will miss my room so so so much!! It is making me sad to leave even though it’s my decision!

Maybe I won’t quit my job just yet. Ending of intensive therapy, moving out of my home, the court cases and arguments…that’s big enough as it is! I should try to hold on to something familiar….I am afraid otherwise I’ll lose it completely if I don’t have anything to hold on to.

I do want to go travelling. We shall see what happens.

Just my thoughts today. So much sadness in my heart.

xx

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Big Changes

  1. WOW!! Huge changes coming your way indeed. I’m kind of glad to see you moving out of that place though…like you said, the stress was problematic even though you loved your room. Sometimes opportunities come to us when we least expect it. I hope something works out for you quickly upon your return home.

    • Thank you! It has been long time coming…Sometimes even if a situation is horrible or uncomfortable, people don’t seek changes because the situation can be familiar and hence in a way, bearable.

      I also think people with issues or low self-esteem don’t believe they ultimately deserve anything better so they stay in those circumstances, be it a bad relationship or a horrible job…

      I hope things work out. I’m open to going anywhere. I did do some research and found a school that trains psychotherapists and their rates are reduced, but you’d have to commit for two years….So….We shall see…Maybe more therapy would be what I need?! I for sure need a LOT of support! I feel like I’m a toddler sometimes, just wanting and needing people to hear me out and rescue me…!

      • I understand that feeling. You have every right to want to be heard…maybe more therapy would be a good way to go…but, see what presents itself? (What an adventure!) 🙂

      • Yeah I guess a little break from therapy may change how I feel about standing on my own two feet and also to see whether I want to tie myself down to long-term therapy or whether maybe I would be okay on my own..?! Last session today – yikes!

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