The End is Near

Moving out of the shitty horrible little room I have been living in for the past two and a half years. Sorted out storage for the next two months so I will be living out of my suitcase while I figure life out….

That’s in two weeks’ time.

I also finish my therapy on Wednesday – I cried while writing a Thank You card for the therapist; not sure what I should have said or could have said, but…I did write a paragraph.

I know I want and need therapy. Unfortunately I have always had to finish under not-so-nice circumstances – therapist getting ill, therapist quitting, or like now, therapist pre-determining the length of therapy.

I have felt like it was not a safe place to open up because it was time-limited. I’d wanna feel safe and secure for me to open up and know that he or she would be there for me were I to fall apart emotionally.

I think that’s been the problem with this therapy – knowing it was going to end before it even started, so I subconsciously just stared at the end goal without being able to work towards it.

I have been a slave, I have been stuck in the moment without being able to live my life the way I wanted to, and now that it’s ended I feel empty, alone, not healed at all, more confused than ever, discarded, upset, sad, angry, and not cared about.

I want therapy though! Unfortunately over the past two years, I have exhausted my avenues within the public health system and now I either have to go private, or find a charity that would work with me.

Too tired to even try. I wanna leave the country and never come back! I have been joking I’d wanna stay with my friends in the US but of course that’s not possible either. It’ll be a short three week trip and I will land back here without a home to go to.

I don’t even care.

I want freedom. I want to be cared about. I want to heal, but I guess failing that, I’d wanna be okay with myself. I wanna be accepted. I know I have borderline and depression, but instead of wanting to be like everyone else, I’d want to..Approve of myself, accept myself the way I am, stop feeling bad, and being able to go to the inner self where the bad memories are harbored. I wanna know what happened to me.

Unfortunately that didn’t happen during this therapy, and I feel like I failed. That’s all I had wanted to accomplish! I had just wanted to remember………Wasted time, it was.

I’m feeling anxious over everything that’s going on, unable to work, afraid, fearful, jumpy, shaky, upset, annoyed, angry….Alone. I am truly alllllll alone in this world.

I wish I could reconnect with my mom and let her once again be my mom…I’d just wanna have a parent. I want…love.

 

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One thought on “The End is Near

  1. I’ve been reading your blog for a while – I’m so sorry about the situation you’re in with therapy. It sounds terrifying to know that in a few short days it will be snatched away from you. Being in the US I’m not too familiar with all of the options available to you, but I hope you do find something. Having the willingness to work at getting better and being denied the opportunity is discouraging to say the least. Good luck.

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