Me selfish?

Horrible confrontation and argument with the two people I live with. As said before, I moved into a shared flat a few years ago and started having landlord problems and we have been in the process of being evicted for about a year and a half now. Cannot go into the issue more because it is a court proceeding at this point, but let’s just say it has brought me so much stress and anxiety that I have gotten sick before, and am now unable to sleep as things are escalating by the day.

The end is near.

After I leave I won’t have anywhere to go. Thinking about leaving the country, thinking about staying with friends, thinking about where the hell I’m going to store all my stuff?! I will have to throw a lot of my belongings out, and I think I won’t want to stay here because I already feel shit about having to live in a shared apartment at the age of 29, and since London is too expensive for me to live alone, the only way is to leave now that this chapter is coming to an end.

I have a trip planned to the US and I will have nowhere to go when I come back. ANXIOUS.

I have two housemates who have been in this situation with me, and we hate each other. Well, they hate me. Last night we had a screaming argument with one of them accusing me of being selfish (true), sick in my head (not sure about that), and that I need professional help because I’ll never go anywhere in life because I am so selfish.

True, in this situation it is dog eat dog, we dislike each other as it is, so I AM selfish. But it got me really sad and anxious what she said and what the other person said – I have never liked either of them and I wonder why the hell I’ve even stayed?! So I am leaving. I have to care because my name is on court papers, but I just wanna run away.

I told my ex I could never see him again. We’ve been friendly and close with each other after the breakup but last night’s argument got me thinking – I AM a user, I use people for my advantage, and the housemate was right in some sense. So I have to leave people in my life so I can’t use them anymore.

I will go back to my homecountry. At least my mom will never kick me out! I will quit my job and not talk to any of my friends anymore. I am a user. I have to stop!

So sad. So alone. So not sure what to do. So scared. So anxious. So terrified of the worst possible outcome. So confused and so unable to work or function.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Me selfish?

  1. Just a though here…using people and looking out for yourself are two very different creatures. You are not in a situation where you care for the people you live with…why in the world they expect you to be selfless for them is beyond me.

    I know it’s hard, but try not to take their assessment of your personality too much to heart. I suspect their view is rather skewed.

    I like you. I don’t think you come of selfish or bitchy in any way. Keep the source of those comments in mind. They were trying to hurt you. xx Don’t let them succeed.

    • Awww thank you! Your comment made me smile. But I can be really bitchy and selfish and mean and use people….I know it. I wish I wasn’t like that, but I always seem to try to get the best of a situation when it would suit me. It is true they were trying to hurt me….I have made the bold decision to move out before I go on my trip and try settle the cases somehow on my own….It is scary, but I have survived so much, I can survive this too!!

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