I didn’t say a word today. Once again I’ve started hiding my feelings and just lie there quietly, my mind racing but being unable to say a word.
I always wonder why it is like this? Why am I quiet there but always needing to talk around everyone else?
Maybe it is him. Maybe the fact that he doesn’t ask questions bugs me. It is true that it does, actually. I went through that period of not wanting to talk, wanting him to ask questions but he never did and after a few months of lying there quietly I realised it was hurting me more than him.
Maybe it is wrong kind of therapy for me. As a bit of an elitist I always thought that if I saw a psychiatrist it would be more official, better, above other kinds of therapy where you only see a psychology-educated person whereas a psychiatrist is a doctor! That only a doctor could heal me because they’re above everyone else. That this would be the best care I could possibly get.
This blinded me from the fact that it wasn’t really working for me.
I will still miss having someone there just for me…someone who listens when I want to talk, and who sits there patiently even when I don’t want to talk. It will be soul crushing to leave for the final time next week and know that all that will be gone for forever…..