Thoughts after therapy

I didn’t say a word today. Once again I’ve started hiding my feelings and just lie there quietly, my mind racing but being unable to say a word.

I always wonder why it is like this? Why am I quiet there but always needing to talk around everyone else?

Maybe it is him. Maybe the fact that he doesn’t ask questions bugs me. It is true that it does, actually. I went through that period of not wanting to talk, wanting him to ask questions but he never did and after a few months of lying there quietly I realised it was hurting me more than him.

Maybe it is wrong kind of therapy for me. As a bit of an elitist I always thought that if I saw a psychiatrist it would be more official, better, above other kinds of therapy where you only see a psychology-educated person whereas a psychiatrist is a doctor! That only a doctor could heal me because they’re above everyone else. That this would be the best care I could possibly get.

This blinded me from the fact that it wasn’t really working for me.

I will still miss having someone there just for me…someone who listens when I want to talk, and who sits there patiently even when I don’t want to talk. It will be soul crushing to leave for the final time next week and know that all that will be gone for forever…..


3 thoughts on “Thoughts after therapy

  1. Your relationship with your therapist has always been a bit stressful. I wonder if he isn’t just the wrong fit for you. That said, I know you didn’t get much of a choice in the matter. I am surprised that he will just let you lie there….what does he do? Sit and stare at you? He should be helping you get your feelings out….especially this close to the end of your sessions.

    Here, psychiatrists don’t do therapy they only stabilize medications. I wonder if you couldn’t get a referral to see a psychiatrist?

    Try not to worry too much. I’m listening to you here…I know it’s not much but it’s there for you if you need it. 🙂

  2. Maybe you are right that he isn’t the right fit for you, but there are therapists out there who would be more active in engaging you in conversation but all the while still respecting times when you don’t want to talk. I went through a period recently of not wanting to talk, and my therapist mostly let me sit in silence (which I appreciated) but she didn’t completely give up on trying to help me find words, which I also appreciated.

    Warm thoughts to you. xx

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