4 sessions to go. I’m scared. I will soon finish my therapy and it is all I can think about. I went this morning and was reminded one of my sessions this week is cancelled, and no, he can’t re-do any other time.
It really hurts. I realized I don’t like being told when things end, I like to be the one leaving. I want to end things, I hate being left feeling empty and sad and hopeless and…empty.
I have ended everything my whole life. Well, not everything. University came to an end, schools have come to an end, stuff like that, but most jobs (ALL of my jobs) have come to an end because I have left.
I have left therapy, except once when my trainee therapist finished her training and she left, and I was distraught. I cried and was very very upset, and remember planning on leaving England because of that. I always want to be the one ending things, running away, leaving…I don’t like to be left. It makes me feel empty inside, my life is of no value, I am completely alone, and very distraught. I feel like it is The End for me and my life.
Of course things end, but so far I have managed to manage the endings. I finish friendships, relationships, I leave countries and jobs, I am constantly on the lookout for “something better” to do with my life. I don’t like to be tied down, I hate boring stability, I hate “everyday life”. I need everything to be exciting, adventurous, emotional, thrilling, wonderful….scary, anything. As long as it evokes HUGE feelings in me. Only then do I feel that I’m alive.
And I want to be alive. I need to feel alive. I need big emotions and large displays of feelings to feel alive. I don’t know why, that’s just how I am.
And right now, I do feel alive. I am friends with my ex-boyfriend, we’re close, there are BIG mutual feelings there. I am anxious beyond belief due to the housing situation which I have mentioned. I am going to quit my job and this feel HUGE. To not have an income OR a home OR a fixed address anywhere in this world feels…HUGE. Scary. But necessary, as well. I need to feel free.
Partly it is because of the ending of the therapy. He is leaving me, so I’m rebelling and leaving everything.
It is not a mature or an adult way of dealing with things, but this is how I feel! I wish I could enjoy stability, normal things, stable emotional life, commitment, the usual things that functioning people take for granted, but I am so emotionally strung that I need constant emotional challenges. Maybe that’s my borderline???
Ehh I don’t know. Things are so hard. I don’t like feeling alone, yet I do eliminate and exclude people from my life. I also yearn for someone to completely and utterly to take care of me, live for me, allow me to do nothing at all in life and pamper me, but of course that is something only little babies are entitled to; an adult like me needs to take care of herself. Yet again, I cannot deny my feelings!
Confused again and I feel like I go on and on about the same things. Aware of this, and don’t want to be boring. Soon this blog will be my only real outlet for emotions, feelings and thoughts, so I think I will be posting a lot more in the future….
Off to go home to pack stuff in my room!