I have 6 more sessions left of my 18-month long psychoanalytic psychotherapy program. I’m paralyzed with fear. I’m anxious. I’m sad and bitter and angry at myself! ANGRY!
I’m angry at myself for not talking more. I’m pissed off that I didn’t mention the abuse earlier because if I had, by now I might be healed! And I’m not. I feel the same, if not worse, now than when I started in November 2011.
I’m pissed off that for months I didn’t talk. That I took my anger at my therapist ultimately out on myself and ruined my one chance! I was annoyed with him for not asking me questions, and so I thought by being quiet it would force him to ask, so for months I lay there in silence.
Except of course instead of hurting him I hurt myself. He never asked a thing and I was forced to start talking.
I eventually mentioned the abuse, but it is way too painful to go there so I don’t talk about it much. And I’m so annoyed with myself!! Why don’t I just talk?! Why do I keep thinking about things in my head but don’t say them out loud?? This might be tough but at least it would help me in the end. But I don’t, and I can’t.
I thought I’d be healed by the time I finished this therapy. Yet I feel more anxious than ever, have recently been really battling with depression so I’m on more medication than ever, and I feel like these big realizations have been hitting my consciousness so that I’m more confused and afraid and angry and … Everything, than EVER before.
I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not looking for understanding. In a way I’d want others to beat my up verbally so I could wallow in my self-hatred. It is a very familiar place for me to be. Beating myself up for things I don’t do right is a core part of who I am, it seems.