As I keep saying, my therapy ends soon. 6 sessions left and that will be that. 17 months I spent on that couch, three times a week, and somehow I now feel empty, like nothing was achieved! I have no clue what on earth I spent all that time doing – I did have a few months long period when I didn’t talk at all, but mostly I have been doing some kind of chatting at least.
I think I wasted this opportunity and it has now become increasingly and painfully apparent when I know soon this will be no more.
I chit chatted about friends, work, boyfriend, future plans, my housing situation…I pored over daily stresses and anxieties – arguments with people in my life, stressed of relationship, she said he said they did this or that. Nothing of real importance!
I should have spent the time going into the abuse, into my childhood, and into the real deep issues and problems I feel in life.
I don’t know why I didn’t. Maybe I just wasn’t able to? Just today we kind of discussed this and I said I kind of expected that if I show up every day and lie on the couch somehow it is like buns in the oven and once they’ve been there long enough they come out ready, whereas in therapy it doesn’t seem to work that way – YOU have to work at it.
I don’t think I did, but at the same time I wasn’t able. I was in a difficult, non-communicative relationship where all sorts of things were going wrong, I was being (and still am) evicted from my rented apartment which has caused massive arguments within the household, I’m in a job I hate, and on top of all that, I started a side business of my own and that has also been a great struggle and a source of anxiety.
So to devote time, energy and space to think about very painful things from my past has been too difficult and I haven’t been able to go there.
Yet now I finally feel like I could, BUT the therapy is ending! I feel bitter, angry, disappointed that it didn’t work, sad that I’ll be alone, and frightened that I won’t have that support come the end of the month.
What am I gonna do?! Where will I go?! Who will I talk to?!
I have no clue. Sigh. I’d like to continue in therapy as I feel I’m so much closer to…finding that imaginary stone that I have in my shoe which keeps me feeling like something is wrong with me and my life, but I am not sure I will have the energy to find someone else. And it would cost. And I’d have to get used to someone new. And…all these things.
I want to leave. I want to finish with Britain and move. I wanna have an adrenaline rush that you get when you’re travelling, I wanna quit my job and gooooooo! I am seriously thinking about it. Watch this space!