NHS Therapy

As I keep saying, my therapy ends soon. 6 sessions left and that will be that. 17 months I spent on that couch, three times a week, and somehow I now feel empty, like nothing was achieved! I have no clue what on earth I spent all that time doing – I did have a few months long period when I didn’t talk at all, but mostly I have been doing some kind of chatting at least.

I think I wasted this opportunity and it has now become increasingly and painfully apparent when I know soon this will be no more.

I chit chatted about friends, work, boyfriend, future plans, my housing situation…I pored over daily stresses and anxieties – arguments with people in my life, stressed of relationship, she said he said they did this or that. Nothing of real importance!

I should have spent the time going into the abuse, into my childhood, and into the real deep issues and problems I feel in life.

I don’t know why I didn’t. Maybe I just wasn’t able to? Just today we kind of discussed this and I said I kind of expected that if I show up every day and lie on the couch somehow it is like buns in the oven and once they’ve been there long enough they come out ready, whereas in therapy it doesn’t seem to work that way – YOU have to work at it.

I don’t think I did, but at the same time I wasn’t able. I was in a difficult, non-communicative relationship where all sorts of things were going wrong, I was being (and still am) evicted from my rented apartment which has caused massive arguments within the household, I’m in a job I hate, and on top of all that, I started a side business of my own and that has also been a great struggle and a source of anxiety.

So to devote time, energy and space to think about very painful things from my past has been too difficult and I haven’t been able to go there.

Yet now I finally feel like I could, BUT the therapy is ending! I feel bitter, angry, disappointed that it didn’t work, sad that I’ll be alone, and frightened that I won’t have that support come the end of the month.

What am I gonna do?! Where will I go?! Who will I talk to?!

I have no clue. Sigh. I’d like to continue in therapy as I feel I’m so much closer to…finding that imaginary stone that I have in my shoe which keeps me feeling like something is wrong with me and my life, but I am not sure I will have the energy to find someone else. And it would cost. And I’d have to get used to someone new. And…all these things.

I want to leave. I want to finish with Britain and move. I wanna have an adrenaline rush that you get when you’re travelling, I wanna quit my job and gooooooo! I am seriously thinking about it. Watch this space!

x

 

 

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4 thoughts on “NHS Therapy

  1. Maybe this big transition to no therapy will be the shake-up you’re craving! I know those feelings… and sometimes I think that change and a new perspective can be incredibly therapeutic! Either way, I’m sending you good energy 🙂 xoxo, g.

    • Maybe it will be…?! You might be right. I may only realize what progress I have made once it’s over?? Thank you for the good energy, I feel it through your words and suddenly the world isn’t such a lonely empty place anymore 🙂 Take good care of yourself and thank you for coming by!

  2. I think that these things happen when we are ready to take them on, not when it suits the schedule. I spent some time in therapy paying to have her listen to my work bitches…some days you just can’t go *there*. It’s awful, difficult, exhausting work, dealing with an abusive past, but the one thing I learned clearly is that the issues won’t go away if you ignore them.

    That said…if you have nothing holding you back? Go see the world! 😀

    • Thank you for your uplifting and soothing comment! I am so good at blaming myself for my inabilities, but like you said…sometimes you just can’t do it! So how did you stop bitching about work and started talking about deeper matters? I think for me, the thoughts are there but to verbalize them is impossible! With therapy that you get from the public health service, it really isn’t on your agenda, and too bad I was offered only 18 months – it sounds a lot, but building trust especially with a man when I’m lying down on a couch takes .. about a year! And just now when I could go “there” it ends. Sigh. I will miss it, but at the same time, I feel like maybe I will only realize what progress has been made once it’s over?! AND I always have this blog. If memories come, I can use this space as my “therapist” and let out the thoughts and feelings! I hope you’re doing well and thank you again for the gentle nudge of words to make me feel better! Much love x

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