I finally told my mom over the phone about having borderline personality disorder (BPD). She is a social worker who works with alcoholics, and my whole life she has been all about analyzing me, criticizing my behavior, and making me feel not good enough. I don’t talk to her much at all normally – a combination of not wanting her to know me, hating her, feeling insecure about myself, and wanting to avoid her criticizing me.
So I told her, and at first she was like, no you’re fine, there is nothing wrong with you.
Then she called me a few days later and was like yes, this diagnosis makes sense. You’re always impulsive, get excited easily, have serious mood swings and never stick to friendships or relationships. So I guess she’d done some thinking and finally accepted my diagnosis.
And then yesterday she called again and started saying things like, well, now that you know you have these…”difficulties”, you can live your life accordingly and keep it in mind you will struggle with certain things. Then she said that she didn’t believe that it was down to my genetics to have this disorder, but because of “the things and events that have taken place in my life”
At that point I knew she was probably talking about the abuse, or at least my traumatic childhood, and was like okay mom bye.
I really don’t feel comfortable talking to her about these things! It’s like…no. I regret that I ever told her about the diagnoses because now she will see everything me in that light and will judge me even more!
I did go online yesterday kind of thinking that maybe BPD was more serious than I thought before, and googled a few things, and found this hideous article about being in a relationship with someone with BDP! It is not nice at all, and basically tells people to not get into relationships, but then again, I can’t often help myself from behaving the way I do! So it’s not nice….
I do think that I have to be mindful, but it is so damn hard knowing where me ends and the borderline starts…WHO AM I??? And what do I really like, and what do I not like, and HOW am I actually feeling?! I have no clue.
Even thinking about this gets me confused and ANXIOUS. So I better stop.