I have had time to think about things. I am feeling better than a week ago – I did double my Citalopram dosage – but things are not perfect yet.
I think I am learning to stay courageous and resilient through tough situations. Again I have a break in my therapy (these NHS doctors take holidays ALL the time!!!) and I won’t go back until after Easter. So that doesn’t make things easier, but it does mean I have to rely on myself to get through things!
I was desperate, upset, depressed and very unwell last week. I think I annoyed those around me as I would just complain about everything – yet, in the depressed state, that’s all I can do!!! It is not about “enjoying wallowing in it” or “bitching about everything without a reason” but depression IS an illness and IT IS disabling!
So I had doubled my meds and got a prescription for it too. I am in two minds about whether this is smart – I hate to think that I only feel better because of the chemicals in my brain…..But I do feel better. Ain’t nobody gonna take that away!
I last wrote about realizing that no one else can make me feel any better except for me. I think I have always known this yet not really believed in it in some way. I have ALWAYS expected someone, anyone, to come save me. Yet after the session on Tuesday in therapy it just came to me; WOW, I really am the only one who can make me feel better! No one else!
It will be hard. But I think this harsh realization has turned a new leaf in my life. I WILL TRY. I have always tried, sure, but have always wallowed at the same time, and looked anxiously for those people who could save me from the world and from myself. And now I don’t have to do that anymore! And I can be stronger because of that!
Strange realizations, but important ones. Will I ever be healed? Healed from the memories of the abuse, from the pain, from .. depression and the mental disorders? Who knows. I don’t know. But I am determined to try. I will fall and I hope that I will have strength to pick up myself again.
Have a beautiful and blessed day and keep searching for those scary big realizations! They may just save your life!