Depression

First day in the office after two days off sick with stress and depression.

Officially in my email I said I had fever and couldn’t work – I mean who understands that not being able to get out of bed because of your mind is sickness??

I spent two days in bed and I’m still tired. This exhaustion is so all-consuming that no matter how much I sleep I feel like my limbs are too heavy to move, my mind is just full of black emptiness and lifting my head off the pillow is impossible.

I watched a whole lot of pointless TV on the Internet and tried to sleep but kept waking up with my heart beating and being scared I’d missed something.

I am constantly in a state of being scared. Every little noise makes my heart skip and I expect something really bad to happen. It is EXHAUSTING.

Eviction from my apartment is proceeding and I have a few months max left. I don’t know what to do and where to go?! I want to pack my bags and leave but I have nowhere else to go.

I try to remember God and pray – I even decided to fast for Lent and not eat until 6pm and just do liquids during the daytime to bring myself closer to God but I feel like I’m losing faith after everything is progressively getting worse.

It is 10am and I am ready to go bed. I am so tired. I stare out the window and know that if I jumped through I’d be freeeeeeeee.

Tired of struggling, tired of the shit, tired of realizing life will NEVER get any better.

 

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One thought on “Depression

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