I seem to have so much coming up in therapy these days that the first thoughts I have after I leave the hospital premises is that I want to write it all down!
It is emotional, it is painful, but most of all, it is groundbreaking. I am finally at a stage in my intensive 18-month therapy program where I am going deep, letting the tears come, and where I’m really open about what’s going on in my head.
All I want to talk about is the abuse! I lie down and I wanna scream; “but I was abused! Let’s talk about it!”
I usually tie things into it these days. I go three times a week (thank God I have a pointless IT admin role because I can take time for therapy! Well, more like, I decided to go and cover my hours from home) and tomorrow is my last session before I go to Finland.
Oh yeah, I’m traveling “home”. I am going for 9 days because my aunt died a little while back and so I have to go to a memorial service plus see family, and also I have an old aunt who is dying so it’ll be the last time I see her.
Lots of mixed feelings. Which is why today instead of talking about the abuse I talked about my mother. We have a very strange confusing and negative relationship, where lots of feelings are so intertwined I have never been able to make sense of them.
I finally like my therapist. I like what he says, and I appreciate his insight. He gave such deep opinions about my mother that although uncomfortable, a lot of them were correct.
Like, I’m not able to separate my feelings from my mother’s and so I end up feeling what she feels. That there is an umbilical cord that attaches us and I can’t objectively be angry at her without having my anger be meshed and intertwined with feelings of pity, care and having to look after her feelings.
I am dreading going to Finland, but I know I have to. I haven’t been in 2 years! It’s just like, every time I go, I have this grand plan of ‘sorting everything out’ and I never do, and then am disappointed because nothing got resolved.
This time, I just wanna go and survive. Survive the emotions, the feelings and the pain visiting my childhood home brings, and hope that I am able to take something tangible with me from there.
I want to honor the child that survived, and respect the adult who made herself to what she is today despite the obstacles. I owe it to both of them to stay with the feelings and be honest to myself, and do what I need to do despite what people want me to do.
I pray and hope that I will be able to do that, for if I am, I will have come far.
I wish blessings to everyone who reads this, and I hope you’re able to take something positive from my words to encourage you to keep going.
Life can throw stones at us – some of us get pebbles and some big rocks which really hurt, but it’s about how you decide to heal that pain. Taking good care of yourself after the hit, applying soft and warm things, pampering, and loving yourself while you heal makes the bruise go down, but if you keep pressing it and keep punishing yourself, it will never heal.
Give yourself a big warm emotional hug from me and be compassionate with your own pain. You deserve it!