Even now I sometimes doubt any abuse took place. As my few memories are hazy, and my denial strong, I often start wondering if it even happened…
Maybe I was a sensitive child? Maybe I was so latched on to my father that when my parents divorced I took it as a rejection and hence am emotional about my childhood.
Maybe I have all these issues about clinginess, rejection, relationships with people, and obsessions and problems because of the domestic violence and my dad’s moody outbursts and the strained atmosphere at home. Maybe it’s because I was a strange, awkward weird child who got mildly bullied?
I mean, I loved my dad. I was very attached to him. If he was abusing me, especially sexually, why didn’t I stay far away? Why would I have craved his attention, his love, and his acceptance??
It makes no sense!!! So maybe it didn’t happen. Maybe the memories I do have, are flawed. After all, I don’t remember specific abuse, just hazy probable images, not real concrete memories even.
In therapy this morning I was going on and on about this. I am wanting to make sure I’m not just crying wolf – after all, all my problems could be explained away with other things. So many other things!
At the end, after 50 minutes of doubts and seesawing back and forth, my therapist just said, “but you have a feeling”. And I again broke down.
Yes, all I have is a strong feeling, a sensation, that it did happen, that my dad did abuse me sexually, that he did touch me and kiss me, and played with my private parts for his pleasure, and that I just took it. Those feelings and images are frozen, the upset smile filled with terror which I see on the little girl’s face when I stare at her in my memories.
That little girl was me, and I’m pretty sure that little girl was abused.