But I have Feelings

Even now I sometimes doubt any abuse took place. As my few memories are hazy, and my denial strong, I often start wondering if it even happened…

Maybe I was a sensitive child? Maybe I was so latched on to my father that when my parents divorced I took it as a rejection and hence am emotional about my childhood.

Maybe I have all these issues about clinginess, rejection, relationships with people, and obsessions and problems because of the domestic violence and my dad’s moody outbursts and the strained atmosphere at home. Maybe it’s because I was a strange, awkward weird child who got mildly bullied?

I mean, I loved my dad. I was very attached to him. If he was abusing me, especially sexually, why didn’t I stay far away? Why would I have craved his attention, his love, and his acceptance??

It makes no sense!!! So maybe it didn’t happen. Maybe the memories I do have, are flawed. After all, I don’t remember specific abuse, just hazy probable images, not real concrete memories even.

In therapy this morning I was going on and on about this. I am wanting to make sure I’m not just crying wolf – after all, all my problems could be explained away with other things. So many other things!

At the end, after 50 minutes of doubts and seesawing back and forth, my therapist just said, “but you have a feeling”. And I again broke down.

Yes, all I have is a strong feeling, a sensation, that it did happen, that my dad did abuse me sexually, that he did touch me and kiss me, and played with my private parts for his pleasure, and that I just took it. Those feelings and images are frozen, the upset smile filled with terror which I see on the little girl’s face when I stare at her in my memories.

That little girl was me, and I’m pretty sure that little girl was abused.

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4 thoughts on “But I have Feelings

  1. Oh sweetie I am so sorry to hear about this memory. I believe you. And I believe that you have a strong gut feeling about these memories resurfacing. I think you’re very brave for talking about it with your therapist, and I think I speak for the blogging community here on WordPress when I say that we’re honored that you are willing to share this part of yourself with us. Keep going, you’re resilient! xoxo, g.

    • Awww thank you so much for your honest and encouraging comment! I was on the bus going to work and I just had to get the feelings and thoughts out, the whole “did it happen, did it not happen” battle that rages on in my head was spilling out and I had to stop and look at it from all angles. I do believe in my heart it happened but somehow it is just sooooo difficult to believe in it because of the earth-shattering reality that it brings with it. It would be SO much easier to have made the images and feelings out and wake up every morning knowing I wasn’t abused, but unfortunately the reality is different….Thank you for stopping by and for the heartfelt thoughts, I really really appreciate you taking time out to encourage me! Take good care and thank you for your kindness xxx

      • I completely understand why this is such a difficult concession to make to yourself… and I know it’s hard to be gentle with yourself, even when it sounds like you are so gentle with other people! Give it time. There is a grieving process ahead but you are WELL equipped to handle it and come out even stronger and more beautiful than before. Have you read “Hopeless” by Colleen Hoover? It might be very triggering right now, but it is about a girl who is remembering the abuse of her father and it is such a beautiful, empowering story. Again, maybe not the perfect time for you right now, but keep it on your to-read list… you might find a lot of similarities between your stories. All the best.

  2. My daughter recently disclosed her abuse to me. She has this same battle, and I am sure it’s a common thing because to accept it is so hard. I believe you honey, because no child would be capable of inventing a story like that. I am so sorry you went through that, but I am glad you’re strong enough to tell it. So many others are not. Keep your head up and know that you are worth the fight! It can’t rain all the time!

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