As I am on this quest for what’s really wrong with me, I have again found a diagnosis that I feel like really describes me and my behavior very well – Attachment Disorder. I’d never heard of it before I read an article about Rihanna and her behavior towards Chris Brown in one of these women’s magazines, where a psychologist claimed she has an adult attachment disorder because no matter what Brown does, she keeps coming back.
I started reading about and now I am convinced I have an adult ambivalent attachment disorder – there isn’t that much out there online about it as attachment disorders seem to be mostly diagnosed in children, but the little that I have read it so spot on!
I am so funny with people it is unbelievable. I constantly seek approval from those around me – even strangers – and it is confusing and tiring. I care too much about what strangers think, but mistreat those close to me. I have been extremely jealous, and when meeting a new person, I want to have them all to myself, and as this is impossible, I get angry and even more jealous and insecure about my place in their life.
I have fucked up relationships and friendships with my weirdness – being not caring at all, or going to the other extreme and being clingy and seemingly unable to let go. It is exhausting, but I never really thought about it as a disorder, although I never thought my feelings, bevahiors and thoughts were normal.
I idealize as well as pathologize people around me, have boxes for people in my head for strict criteria and boundaries; if someone does something to upset me, they go to the “bad people’s box” and probably never come out even though I can pretend I like the person, or sometimes let them into my life again, but really inside my head they are “bad” and never to be trusted again.
I also have had loose boundaries, been too open, blabbed about myself to strangers and not been able to keep anything to myself. I seem to constantly need reassurance of my worth.
I told my therapist this morning and he thought it was strange that I’d believe a magazine and self-diagnose based on some websites, but I said well I have to do this since you don’t tell me what’s wrong with me. Honestly, he never does. He suggests things that he thinks I am struggling with, but then again I apparently don’t listen to him, or don’t agree with him (so he says, and we got into an argument a bit).
So I don’t know. I think a lot of things are wrong with me, and the fact that I don’t have many functioning friendships or a relationship is a proof that I just don’t function well in relation to other human beings……It is upsetting, yes.
Sigh. Back to my weirdness.
xx LittleGirl xx