Attachment Disorder

As I am on this quest for what’s really wrong with me, I have again found a diagnosis that I feel like really describes me and my behavior very well – Attachment Disorder. I’d never heard of it before I read an article about Rihanna and her behavior towards Chris Brown in one of these women’s magazines, where a psychologist claimed she has an adult attachment disorder because no matter what Brown does, she keeps coming back.

I started reading about and now I am convinced I have an adult ambivalent attachment disorder – there isn’t that much out there online about it as attachment disorders seem to be mostly diagnosed in children, but the little that I have read it so spot on!

I am so funny with people it is unbelievable. I constantly seek approval from those around me – even strangers – and it is confusing and tiring. I care too much about what strangers think, but mistreat those close to me. I have been extremely jealous, and when meeting a new person, I want to have them all to myself, and as this is impossible, I get angry and even more jealous and insecure about my place in their life.

I have fucked up relationships and friendships with my weirdness – being not caring at all, or going to the other extreme and being clingy and seemingly unable to let go. It is exhausting, but I never really thought about it as a disorder, although I never thought my feelings, bevahiors and thoughts were normal.

I idealize as well as pathologize people around me, have boxes for people in my head for strict criteria and boundaries; if someone does something to upset me, they go to the “bad people’s box” and probably never come out even though I can pretend I like the person, or sometimes let them into my life again, but really inside my head they are “bad” and never to be trusted again.

I also have had loose boundaries, been too open, blabbed about myself to strangers and not been able to keep anything to myself. I seem to constantly need reassurance of my worth.

I told my therapist this morning and he thought it was strange that I’d believe a magazine and self-diagnose based on some websites, but I said well I have to do this since you don’t tell me what’s wrong with me. Honestly, he never does. He suggests things that he thinks I am struggling with, but then again I apparently don’t listen to him, or don’t agree with him (so he says, and we got into an argument a bit).

So I don’t know. I think a lot of things are wrong with me, and the fact that I don’t have many functioning friendships or a relationship is a proof that I just don’t function well in relation to other human beings……It is upsetting, yes.

Sigh. Back to my weirdness.

xx LittleGirl xx

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9 thoughts on “Attachment Disorder

  1. I think that there’s nothing at all wrong with educating yourself and wanting to understand what’s wrong with you, even when that means that you read about something in a magazine and it stirred you to want to learn more. That aside, I believe that attachment disorders are what’s really at the bottom of many disorders that come with disturbed interactional patterns. I don’t know what you are officially diagnosed with, but I, for example, am labeled Borderline and PTSD, and I am quite certain (and my mom and my therapist agree) that the Borderline Personality Disorder behavior is largely the manifestation of an attachment disorder and unfortunate attachment patterns. So keep on looking in this direction, there is lots of helpful information out there. Often understanding what is going on the attachment level on to cause you to behave in certain ways is quite helpful. Good luck! 🙂

    • Oh that makes sense actually! A lot of personality disorders have similarities, and I have been diagnosed with Borderline, yet I guess attachment disorder seems closely linked to this. It’s a muddle, and sometimes I think everything is wrong with me, and then other times I feel like maybe I do function quite well….I think I will definitely keep reading about attachment as thinking about my past and childhood, there definitely was a problem with my relationship with caregivers (sexual abuse from father, depressed mother with lots of inabilities to look after me emotionally) so would not be surprised if the original attachment went all wrong and then later on caused other issues that manifest as borderline….Thank you for the encouraging comment and thank you for sharing!!!! Take good care of yourself! xx

      • Yes, I think attachment disorders are definitely closely linked with personality disorders. I can relate very well to sometimes feeling everything is wrong with you, and then like maybe you’re not so wrong after all, because I often feel the same way. From what you write, our childhoods appear to have been rather similar, too. Since our early childhood is when the most fundamental attachment patterns are formed (and formed to last, usually), it does not surprise me any that we struggle with healthy attachment and show behaviors that in their sum can be labeled “Borderline” (or some other PD). Anyway, you’re welcome to the comment and take good care of yourself, too! xx

      • May I ask why you think you have these difficulties? You may have written about it on your blog so apologies if you do and here I am asking again…..Things that you say make so much sense, and I think I’m sad that I struggled so much growing up and in my teens and early twenties with knowing something was wrong, but not knowing what it was, and not having people in my life to help/tell me about it! So it’s like only now when I’m approaching 30 that things are becoming clearer and start suddenly making soooo much sense! I totally also feel like sometimes I’m 5, sometimes 16, and very rarely my own age. It is bizarre, confusing, frightening, and makes me depressed and anxious to not be able to function according to the norms set by the society and other people….Yet if you met me you’d never know! I can be totally approachable, friendly, helpful, fun, funny, talkative….so most people think that’s who I am, and then when I cry at work or have my down day and slump, people are confused as my behaviors make no sense and are not coherent :O

        Anyway, enough babble, thank you again for your superb insight!!! x

  2. I posted a comment yesterday and I’m not sure what happened to it. If you deleted it, I apologize if I stepped over a line.

    I just wanted you to know that I’ve been diagnosed with attachment disorder. My psychiatrist thinks that it was an issue from childhood that was never treated/resolved. Would love to chat about symptoms and such if you are interested at all. 🙂

      • 🙂 More or less that I was diagnosed with an attachment disorder and that it kind of lingered inside me from childhood. My psych tells me that attachment disorders are linked closely with PTSD and personality disorders, like your discussion above notes.
        Happy to compare notes with you if you think you are suffering the same sort of thing. Of course, everyone is different but the key similarities are likely there.

        (Whew, so glad I didn’t overstep!) 😀

      • Ohhhh I just wrote a long comment and then it vanished! Stupid WordPress grrrr. Yes, would like to know what the symptoms and feelings associated with it are, and how do you feel different from “normal” or functioning people?

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