Behind a closed door

I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept on thinking about the abuse which I have finally started unraveling in the therapy, and I really feel like there is a big locked and closed door in my mind, and if I only dared to open it, all my memories would come flooding out.

I’m too afraid. I stand there looking at it, wanting to open it if just slightly, to peek inside to see what monsters exist on the other side, but I’m too scared. So I just stay immobile, with lots of thoughts in my head, yet I’m unable to make a move.

Maybe one day I’ll open that door? I feel like it’s time. I am emotionally close to the right place to be able to do so, but I am also aware that my therapy will end soon and maybe I won’t have time to go there.

I don’t want to live with this closed door. Although I’m shit scared of what’s on the other side, I am curious to open it – maybe it holds the keys to my healing and to me feeling better in life, and it’s sort of now or never.

……… Will I be able to do it???

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