Oh boy…I am going down again with a depressive mood and it is almost impossible to crawl out from this hole….
I think the recent developments of becoming single (=alone), starting to really talk to my therapist (= finally discussed flashbacks and things that I have never ever said out loud before…), and being really unhappy with work, living in London, not being the kind of person I’d wanna be….all of this has really pushed my mood down and I’m just hopeless and depressed.
I have spent days being moody. Cannot get up until I really have to, being late for work, not taking showers in the morning (I know, gross. But when one has no energy, things like that go out the window. It is not a necessity after all), not cooking, eating crap and devouring bread like I’d been hungry for a year, munching and snacking…
I’ve gained weight, I feel miserable and teary, and I know nothing will help me. This is just a phase I gotta ride out. I want to desperately take a month off and rest, forget about responsibilities and concentrate on me, but I got a job. And responsibilities.
I have done three super-intense therapy sessions this week- lots of memories and deep feelings coming out, and I always have to walk out crying. I don’t feel like coming to work as all I want to do is let the tears finish instead of make me stop them falling, and I want to stay with the feelings and the pain.
I need to work through it. I need to work through the memories. I must.
I just don’t have a chance, and I’m getting physically sick because of it. Sore throat and slight fever. I think my body is telling me something. Really, I should stop caring about work (they don’t care about me) and only concentrate on myself and my healing. But I just can’t call in sick, really I just want respite and rest but……can’t.
Oh I hope I can get through this.
xx LittleGirl xx