I think in today’s session something big came up…I realized through deep thinking that the only thing that really drives my carnal motives in behavior and thought is the need to be taken care of and being cared about and cared for.
I think it’s huge…I realize a lot of the decisions I have made in my life and the impulsiveness and weird things I struggle with all stem from this deep-seated need…It’s like, I ultimately don’t feel like I have been cared for and about (possibly in my childhood, as in adult life I’m sure I have had people who have cared, but somehow this hasn’t filled the void – nothing can) and this has left a humongous hole in my soul.
I never really realized it existed. I have had crushes, fallen for guys and girls, been obsessed about the wrong types of people in my life, and also been obsessed about what people think about me, and trying to be what people want me to be, only to fill that need.
I am so sad my therapy will end. It makes me cry, makes me depressed and sad and lonely, and I feel increasingly anxious and bitter and exhausted in life, but I will obviously have to deal with it. I just wish that my therapist would say you know what M*****, I think you deserve another chance, let’s keep working with each other.
But I know he won’t. I don’t think it’s even in his hands…I read on the website that this center caters for people with personality disorders (I didn’t even know that!) and that they only do intensive 18-month therapy programs. I think it said the people with worst symptoms get 24 months but hey, I “function” so I don’t belong in that.
Part of me wants to rebel, commit suicide, cut my wrists, scream and shout, to be noticed. To be cared about.