Heartache

I can’t stop thinking about everything that is happening in my life, but thinking about it all makes me so anxious and hopeless and nervous and angry and bitter and upset, but the worst part is that I feel this pain in my heart that doesn’t stop.

Leaving my lovely boyfriend who was always very supportive of my healing and who cared about me and loved me and would have made a wonderful dad.

Knowing that the therapy I hated at one point is now actually coming to an end makes me shaky and hurts really badly. I feel let down by the system and by my therapist, but since I’m not a “real” mentally ill patient, this is it, I have to keep drudging along on my own.

I sometimes wish I didn’t function. I wish I was a drug-addicted prostitute on the corner so people would help me and see that I need help. Holding down a job and being financially okay – because I have high expectations for myself and would not allow myself to slip and embarrass myself – mean that I am not entitled to a lot of help.

I guess I could pay for therapy as I have done previously, BUT the question is, WHY should I pay for something that someone else has done to me?! Rape victims get free therapy, victims of violence get help, but when it was my dad who robbed me of dignity, my childhood, my innocence, my mental health and my future, I am somehow NOT entitled to being helped?!

It hurts. Real bad. I hate everything and anything right now, I am pissed off and alone, heartbroken and sad, shaking as I write this.

I am so fucking alone in this world it is unbelievable. If I dropped dead right now no one would miss me for a while…Except maybe my boss who would call and email since I didn’t show up at work. Work that I hate, that makes me depresses and embarrassed, work that stops me from living my life, work that makes me feel like I’m wasting my precious time on this planet doing this shit. I hate it all.

I just wanna pack my bags and go. Empty my bank account and go somewhere warm and sunny and forget about this life of mine and start from over.

Should I?

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