My therapy will end soon…

Well, in April, but still. It is too soon for me. At the moment I see my therapist through the NHS (National Health Service) which is a public healthcare system here in England, and free for all, but which is very difficult to access especially if you have chronic mental health problems yet you function.

I have been described as “functioning” which means I have a job and live independently and can take care of my needs. All is well, but it bugs me that you have to really have fallen through the cracks and be really in a bad state before you really get helped.

In this country, those with lots of kids, problems, no jobs etc will get a lot of help, but the ones like me who try usually get nothing.

So I’m bitter, but I am also happy that I plowed through the system and got to this therapy through the stages of being referred to the mental health team by my doctor, then seeing a CBT therapist for 12 sessions, and after that didn’t help, I was again referred to another team where a psychiatric nurse told me what my options were and referred me to a mentalization-based group therapy for 12 weeks.

After that I saw a psychiatrist once who said I was clinically depressed but functioning and discharged me from their mental health programs. I was really upset, but then he must have changed his mind as he called me back and said someone was able to take me on board to a psychoanalytic psychotherapy program for 18 months. I said yes!

And now that is coming to an end. I have struggled – first of all, it’s a guy, so it’s been really hard for me to open up and trust him, and secondly, the style of therapy isn’t really what I’m used to – he doesn’t ask questions but always just waits for me to start – so I have been very apprehensive and spent good three months not even talking at all!

What a waste. I am so angry at myself that I finally got this chance and I’ve blown it.

I still have a few months but I’m dead scared of getting into the deep waters as this will end and then I’m all alone.

I have also seen people over the years; the first time I was forced into seeing a psychologist was in Finland when I was about 9, and then I’ve seen people on and off – a few different people when I was anorexic, then a college counsellor here in England, as well as finding a private therapist when I was doing my Master’s.

While I was going through the mentalization program I also secretly saw a counsellor at a women’s charity (don’t know if either would have denied care if they knew about each other) but left her when I was placed in this intensive program.

I don’t want to be in therapy for the rest of my life. But right now I WANT IT. Desperately. Sooo bad. Even this morning I finally for the first time REALLY connected and started talking about my perception of my inner child, and it was hard, sad, heartbreaking and tough, but I felt better. And I think my therapist also knows that I’m starting to connect to those parts that are hidden and deep and that I don’t want to normally talk about.

So I just hope and pray that I can have the strength to stay focused, go deep, allow him to guide me to the depths of my soul and mind and heal those broken parts of my body and soul. That’s all I want.

I need healing more than I’ve ever needed anything in my entire life…I want to be hole, to feel better, to live a meaningful life without this drama and heartache and bitterness and disorders and mental problems and anger and bullshit.

Is that too much to ask?

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