I did the most heartbreaking and horrible thing imaginable. I broke up with the love of my life, my boyfriend, the man who understood me and loved me and cared about me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
I am tired of the arguments – we were always arguing. About everything. My going out, my drinking, my apparent non-caring personality, my need to constantly be desired and appreciated by everyone around me.
It is weird to talk about it here but I have to let the feelings out…Not that anyone knows me or who I am or anything. I am heartbroken, sad, distraught, feel guilty and hopeless.
When we met, I even wrote a blog post about how he reacted to me telling him about the abuse because it touched me; it was that moment when I thought I’d be with him forever.
But we broke up. A year ago. Because of a friend of mine who I had a history with and who I didn’t wanna lose, but whom my boyfriend saw as the epitome of my past and my history with other men, and so in the end I wanted to keep my boyfriend and said fine, I’ll cut all contact.
I thought things would be ok, but I was wrong. We kept arguing, I kept hiding more and more emotions in my heart and from him, and that stuff built resentment towards him and in the end I snapped.
I do love him. I do. I care about him. I worry about him. I wish him all the best in this world – in fact, I wish that he would become the best he could be, build a career, get stronger, have confidence in his abilities and know that he is a good person. He is amazing in so many ways and I will forever miss him.
I thought maybe one day when we both have worked on our issues we could resume the relationship and be stronger together but he has expressed a wish to cut me out completely which I try to understand. I broke his heart. Well, to be fair, he broke my heart too – I had had all these fantasies of a perfect life together and it didn’t work out. For three years we loved, argued, made love, argued, cried, and my resentment, annoyance and bitterness grew……
It could be my personality disorders, it could be his problems, it could be that we’re too different, it could be that we’re at different points in our lives. Who knows. I am wanting to build a career, do this therapy thing, one day fulfill my fantasies of a house and a child and riches and life in a foreign country, and I don’t see him wanting that.
I lied. A lot. I hid things. I felt guilty. I could not communicate because I was scared of his response and his reactions so I shut up. And then it blew up and I lost the best man I have ever met in my life.
And now I am all alone with a broken heart and shattered dreams and a whole lot of patching up to do. I am at work and all I want to do is curl up into a tight little ball and hide under the thick sheets on my bed and forget I ever existed.
If you read this, my love, I want to say that I will always and forever love you and I am grateful for meeting you and all the good things you brought into my life. I miss the laughter, the hugs, the kisses and the love. I wish you all the best in the entire world and I hope you are well. You will be. You are strong, you have to be. I am sorry. I love you.