I have never liked myself. In fact, I have always hated my whole being. I am too fat, too ugly, too stupid, too silly, too clumsy, too extrovert, too weird and crazy.
Most of my life I have wanted to die, get rid of myself, cause pain on my own self. I have starved, binged, cut, scraped, numbed, drugged, and pierced myself in an effort to I guess feel pain and to punish myself.
It gets tiring to have so much intense hatred and then have to live with myself every single day, yet I’m not sure if I could ever let go of these feelings as they are so overpowering and deep that to even think about tolerating myself is an alien idea.
I think even if you haven’t been abused you may still end up hating yourself. Women especially here in the West have been conditioned into hating their physical beings as images in the media make us believe we are never beautiful and perfect enough to attain that goal, and we spend our money and lives trying to improve ourselves.
I would like to love myself I guess. It would be weird but wonderful to accept the me in my-ness and allow for peace to enter my heart. I spend a lot of energy and time hating and abhorring everything about myself that to take that away would mean a lot of that energy could be used to do something else….
But how can I love myself? Where do I start?
I once read this article on how to learn to love your body and it said that you should take a tiny piece that you don’t hate, like an inch by inch spot, and touch it and look at it and say to yourself that I love this part of me, and then next day take another part and do the same thing, and little by little you will increase the area of your body that you love. It’s like, teaching yourself to love yourself.
I have tried it, but the only two spots that I tolerate on my body are the curve on the outer side of my boob – it’s kind of smooth and nice, and my collarbone – I feel the bone and feel thinner and more beautiful when I touch it.
It would be such a shame to go through life feeling this intense hatred and disgust towards myself; I have no choice but to live in this body and mind until I die, so I might as well attempt to do something about it. Maybe in 2013 I will take little steps towards self-acceptance, if not outright love and delight in my being.
I have already decided to not let anyone fuck with me and with who I am and what I am. Whether I know who I am really or what my personality really is like (things I’m trying to discover in therapy), people who are in my life need to respect me, my path, my goals and my being. I deserve acceptance, help, love and kindness, and no one is allowed to disrespect my mind or my body. I will not tolerate this.
I have also decided to learn to listen to myself – whether it is the child within who screams out her needs through my broken body, or whether it is my inner feelings and intuition, I need to stop and listen. I will tune into my own being and meditate on how I really feel. What do I need? What makes me happy? Where is my path taking and and where do I want to go?
I will talk to God, and try listen to His response. I will allow myself to delight in my own company, and I will learn to enjoy being alone, being quiet, and pamper myself with hot baths, aromatic body oil, and soft pillows.
I hope that this works for me; at least I’m eager to try! Change can be good.