So many thoughts on my mind. Things I want to say out loud, write them down, share with the world to lessen their impact on my mental well-being.
Firstly, I feel bad about this blog. I had wanted to start something where I could share my journey from being really messed up after remembering the abuse and all these bad things that have happened to me, and then somehow always be really positive so that when other people read it, they would think that it’s not so bad being a survivor of abuse and that people do heal.
Instead, I have a feeling that every time I post it’s just complaints, shit, crap, negativity and stories of how terrible my life is.
It is not uplifting at all!
I am sorry…I wish I could be more positive; in fact, battling with intense negativity, depression and hopelessness and anger towards self is the one thing that describes my entire life journey.
Can I EVER be anything different? Will I ever feel happy? Will I ever be content?
HOW does one change?!?!?! And why is it so hard?!?!?!
I WISH I could just…reinvent myself, throw the old me out of the window and emerge as new being, something more beautiful, a skinnier and more gorgeous human being who radiates warmth, self-confidence, inner peace and strength.
I wish that this current me would just….wither away, and a new being would emerge from the cocoon, and I could forever live happily ever after.
Is it possible?