I have been ignoring my blog for a while and it stresses me out. This is the only place where I can really open up and be myself – in my daily life people have expectations of me, and even if they know about my problems and my personality disorder and the stuff I struggle with, I am still expected to behave within the norms of normal people’s behaviour.
It is hard.
To feel like you’re different and to have to still try operate within the world so normalcy. I get anxious a lot. I constantly wonder what people think about me and what I did wrong and whether I offended someone. I also constantly want people to like me, and struggle with what I perceive to be rejection.
I know everyone has issues and problems and I feel bad especially if I have watched a documentary about something touching and then feel guilty for complaining about my issues when really other people have worse things going on in their lives.
I can’t feel their pain however, I only feel mine.
I am 29 now. I will turn 30 in 2013. The thought freezes me with fear. I am not ready to be that old!
I tried to start my own business but I’m struggling. I have no motivation anymore and I’m tired all the time and feel crap and cannot get anything done.
I call in sick to my day job a lot as well. I dream of just sleeping and doing nothing. My great aunt also passed away this week and I am now having to go to Finland soon for a visit; I’m already dreading it…it is easier to live my little life here in England and not have to deal with that elephant under the rug that lives in Finland.
On the positive side ( hard to think of any, this blog really is my lifeline where I can jot down my miserable thoughts hoping somehow things will be better..) I am off work for a few days, I have been in bed a lot as I’m ill so im having to rest, and I have done a lot of thinking.
I am trying to stay positive and I have made lists of what I want to achieve in life. I will keep asking God for good things to come my way and will try to take it day by day as sometimes it’s really all I can do!