So my therapist is back. He was away for three weeks and I sweated and sweated about him coming back as I know that my intensive therapy will come to an end in May next year and since I haven’t really been speaking for the past couple of months, I’m scared shitless that I have wasted all this time without getting anything out of it….
My first session back was on the morning of Christmas Eve and I talked. A lot! I also have been twice since Christmas, and I keep talking. A LOT! I can’t stop talking, and while that’s good, he has made a comment about talking but not expecting an answer; he says I just let things out but don’t engage in a two-way conversation.
I sometimes wonder what HE wants out of the therapy. I have now been going for over a year, three times a week, and so it’s pretty intensive yet he has never made it clear where he ses this going.
I guess I will work my hardest to be open and be able to communicate and also to disagree; I think that’s one of the things that I know is hard for me as I expect him to be the be who is always right as he is the one above me, my caregiver, the psychiatrist.
I hope to make some changes.
I am so tired of feeling the way I do. I don’t think abou the abuse that much or feel like I am a victim, I just think that my life sucks so bad in general that I can’t seem to do anything right!
The worst thing is, I never make any changes. I keep saying the same old shit but never choose to change anything….so I just feel pretty shit right now about my inability to change and make something out of myself…best I just sign off and feel depressed and hopeless by my own damn self.