Oh my gosh it’s again been a while since I posted. I get too busy in life! I also always have ideas and thoughts I want to jot down but then get too tired and exhausted to even get started and so these things just mull about in my head but don’t ever come out on paper.
So I turned 29 the other day and I thought it would be scarier than it was. I didn’t really feel a thing on the day, but I am even more anxious now about getting older though – I incessantly worry about wrinkles, sagging boobs and fat and looking old.
I forget how old I really am. I’ve said it before, but I do sometimes feel like I’m 22 or even 16, and it’s a pretty scary thing to be on the bus and see a bunch of school kids and wonder if they think I’m cool…! I am weird.
We are doing a fast at my church, and although there doesn’t seem to be one way of doing fasting as a Christian, I have decided to do it my way and not eat until 6pm. It’s hard! I’m hungry all the time, and start obsessing about food even more than before….In a small way though I feel powerful – to restrict your body and it’s needs means I have power over myself and part of me doesn’t ever wanna eat again as I enjoy the slight torture…I feel strong.
I do drink coffee a bit just to stave off the hunger pains. I feel like a cheater, but God sees me and knows I’m trying!
Terrible back ache, an old sports injury flared up again and I’m in agony. Nothing seems to go right and I’m angry at God a lot for all this shit in my life – what have I done so bad that I need to be punished every single day of my life?! I am generally a good person but I seem to endure SHIT alllll the time! So aggravating, and makes me bitter as fuck.
Ok back to work.