I know over the past year when I’ve been going to this NHS-offered free psychotherapy I have been complaining about it; I don’t wanna talk, I feel like I don’t have anything to say to him, I’m upset that he doesn’t ask questions, i.e. do the kind of therapy I want him to do, and so on.
Yet today was my final day before his long break of three weeks, and I found myself engaging in a conversation, cried a little, and felt a connection. Today was the first time I felt he does care about me, and that maybe I could trust him, and that I will really really miss him while he’s gone.
Maybe not miss him but miss it, the therapy. A place where I am at peace.
Shit has hit the fan in my home (can barely call it a home, it’s like a building where I live). I am sure I’ve mentioned before that I share an apartment with three other people, and that after loads of arguments with the landlord, he served us an eviction notice.
This was over a year ago, the court proceedings have dragged on, and there is just more and more arguments in the house. We weren’t friends before as we all moved into the apartment through ads online, and so we have nothing in common. I have opened up to one of them, a guy, quite a lot. BIG mistake. We had a humongous argument over texts the other day, and he has now told the older woman (whom I already didn’t like) about my personality disorder, my therapy, and together they started sending the most vile and hurtful messages calling me a cunt and mentally ill.
If this happened at work, they’d get fired. But somehow, in the home, they’re allowed to bully me to their hearts’ content. They have now excluded me from everything, and when I forgot my keys home they didn’t let me in.
We have a girl who moved in oblivious to all this 5 weeks ago, and I hang on to her. But I now have to leave. The constant harassment from landlords, my housemates, the insensitive bullying and personal attacks on me are too much to take.
I am generally a strong person, but I think I’d rather be homeless than live here. My anxiety has hit the roof and I can’t sleep. I’m down and depressed, and tomorrow is my birthday yet I can’t be happy as I’m so upset!
I wish…there was a way out. But there isn’t. I just have to stay strong and live through this…somehow.