I don’t know why. I am not getting anything out of it – still not talking.
I’m mad that he never asks questions! I wish he did, I have tried to hint at it but..nothing. He just sits there in silence.
I guess that’s what psychoanalytic psychotherapy is like, but I still don’t think it’s helping at all. I can’t talk to him. But I have decided to keep going as when I’m there my mind races and I get to think about things alone in quiet. Well I’m never alone as he’s in the room, but I feel alone.
I went to church on Sunday – hadn’t gone last week as my depression had gotten worse and I’d been in bed for three days straight just lying in silence watching anything and everything on telly.
Church was good – I take things with pinch of salt as I’m not the most religious of people, but I like going as I believe in God and when I’m in church I usually feel enlightened, spiritual, emotional. I learn to be a better person and I get to pray to God about things that are on my mind.
At the end of the sermon (which was about being original and being an individual and not trying to copy others and so on, very good message) one of the ladies went to the front and said, I feel like we need to pray for people in church who haven’t had a father, the ones who can’t see God as father because of their own relationship with their father.
I felt like she was talking directly to me, and found myself going towards the front where people then prayed for me and the other person who’d gone up. I started crying, I could not stop my tears falling. I kept crying back on my seat until the pastor’s wife came to me and took me to her office to have a chat.
She asked why I was crying and I said the words touched me. I briefly explained that I grew up in a violent home and had no contact with my birth father and didn’t get along with my mom and that I’d experience abuse as a child.
I just kept crying, somehow the pain was stabbing in my heart all of a sudden – it’s like, something had scratched that old wound and it started seeping blood and it took me great effort to patch it up again.
The whole of the day I then was emotional and in another universe all by myself. It’s such a trip; going deep into pain and emotions and somehow trying to live in the present at the same time….
I’m okay today – another day another battle. Work. Busy. Just wanted to jot down my feelings today.